Three and a half years

Changed the username or "display name," today, to something that reeks less of skepticism. I am still sober, at least for today. Life continues to get better, my kids are doing well, I'm still keeping my relationship intact (despite the challenges of having two very busy boys), but life itself doesn't stop happening. I still struggle with anxiety and fear and paranoia. Sobriety doesn't change what I set in motion my first 40 years, but I'm dealing with it better now. The Promises are what I've found most challenging recently.

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and selfpity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. (Big Book 83-84)

I have found freedom and happiness. I have been given a new way of seeing and understanding the past. I've found enough serenity. I am not as selfish. I'm more open to others. But I'm prone to self-pity and self-seeking, and I've found economic challenges almost insurmountable. We're surviving financially; in debt, yes, but reasonably able to get from month to month. But my professional career, such as it is, since completing my Ph.D. has been stalled. I'm working full time now, but there's no guarantee that this full time work will continue. I've been unable to find a permanent position, in a teaching role or elsewhere, and if I do it could mean that we will be forced to move to another part of the country, away from the friends and support we've developed here.

The question, of course, is also about how important a professional life is to me. I lived a version of a fantasy professional life, while slowly going through graduate school, in a long cycle of deferral and drinking, that has now been burst. With the fantasy over, what can I build from the shards of my education? The advanced degree was, in part, a way of reshaping my working-class, druggy background into something respectable. I drank away most of this opportunity in the 13 years it took me to get there, though, so it's hard to know where I stand. I do have some professional credibility left, at least on paper, but it's clear that I've been unable to convince others to take a chance on me in the real world. In some ways, I'm still the twenty-something who got enough of his shit together to go to college, but now I'm forty-something and once again all I can really say is that I got my shit together enough to finish something.

The 12th step and the Big Book tell my to shy away from self-interest and self-seeking, to allow my fears and worries to lose their hold on me. This is what I practice most at the moment. It shows in my teaching. I've become a good teacher, a much different teacher, someone who absolutely loves to teach. I teach with my students' needs in mind, which is in part something I've learned from the program.

But what is to become of me? Will I intuitively know how to handle this situation, which does indeed baffle me?

At the very least, I will keep coming back.

Fifteen months or so

Kind of churlish of me to miss updating on my one-year sobriety date. In July my sponsor got up to give me a chip and my brother-in-law sent me his own one-year medallion, which I carry in my wallet. Now, in mid-November I'm two weeks away from defending my completed dissertation. Meaning, I'll have a PhD in a couple of weeks.

It's taken me 13 years to do the degree, during which time I've gotten married, had two children, and drank away all of my thirties and some of my forties. I blew through academic fellowships and became too terrified to teach as my need to drink became more and more baffling. I was an addict for all of my adult life, in one form or another, but able to pass as moderately normal. It eventually caught up with me, though, and I became increasingly nonfunctional. A couple of years of futile therapy only covered up the real problem. Without being sober I would not be in a position to finish my PhD, teach a kick-ass course this semester, be there for my kids, or even be married.

I didn't go to jail. I wasn't forced to go to meetings by the judicial system. But the scars are there. I'm forty-four fucking years old, for christsakes, and still nominally a student. I don't handle stress well at all. I have trouble managing my quick emotions, even though I'm trying to teach my own children to weather their own stormy emotions. I'm prone to anxiety, depression, insecurity, and anger.

But the clear-headedness, after so many years of being muddled and confused, is a priceless gift of sobriety. Last year I was part of a group that started a new book study meeting, and now that it's on the official schedule and a meeting with its own momentum it carries the name I suggested. I've come to love the quirky, worn dudes who constitute my regular meetings. I'm humbled all the time by the distances they've traveled to become such well-meaning citizens of the world. There's something mystifying about the power of the program, but with its unique rituals and convictions it fills a need that chemicals never could. It works, it really does.

Six-month update

I'm going to break my silence in celebration of making it to six months of continuous sobriety. I've been going to meetings for 10 months and now, with six months, I'm beginning to feel my head get clearer and clearer. I go to about five regular meetings a week, with absolute firm commitments to three of them. I go to a study group every Saturday morning. I've finished step four and my sponsor and I have scheduled a fifth. I also have some other friends in meetings now, whom I usually hang around to check in with. It's still a struggle to live a spiritual life, but I don't want to drink. For those who get desperate enough to seek out AA, it really is a new way of life. I don't doubt at all that being sober allows you to be the person you really are.

Hiatus

I'm going to take a (hopefully brief) break from posting on this blog. I've already been neglecting it recently. My sense is that I want to focus on communicating in my local meetings and developing more trust with the people in them. As I make a commitment to taking the fourth step, I feel like I'm shifting to a slightly different mode. It really is a way of life and I'm happy to be living it.

Success

I stayed sober on the latest trip. Went to two meetings there and emerged from a rehearsal dinner and wedding reception intact. It was a hectic trip, but it proved once again that everything is easier sober.

Three months

I forgot to mention in my earlier post that I have three months of continuous sobriety today. Three months since I returned from France. I should have gone to a meeting today, and my sponsor certainly wasn't happy that I didn't I'll be landing in a different city tomorrow and I've mapped out a meeting to go to in the evening and a nooner for Friday. I realize I've lost my balance a bit in the last two weeks. Being over committed is just as bad as being under committed. I'm feeling bad about that tonight, but I guess I just need to keep plugging away at it.

I'm going to go to at least two meetings while I'm away over the weekend and maybe three. There's a big wedding party, but the whole family (including my father-in-law) knows I'm sober now, and that kind of accountability will go a long way. We're renting a car, I've got my laptop and phone, so I should be able to do what I need if I feel vulnerable.

I'll also be attending a Saturday morning study group the following weekend that I hope is going to become a regular thing and help me move along through the fourth step. AA has been making a lot possible recently and I know I need to uphold my end of the deal. I'm pretty happy with what sobriety has brought.

But damn, I'm just addled with fatigue. It's time to hit the sack.

Teaching fool

I subbed today for the professor I've been working for. I subbed two weeks ago as well, but that was only administering a quiz. Today, I actually taught, the first class I've actually taught in two years. It went well. It's not easy taking someone's class, but I felt like I helped them better understand their upcoming paper assignment.

I've been furiously busy, in a way where I keep having these feelings that I'm not going to survive. I'm staying with faith and trust, and so far I've been meeting all my obligations. But I'm tired. We leave town tomorrow for the weekend. In some ways, I'm in a good place. I'm not going to drink. That's an absolute at this point. I'm also looking forward to having a break from work, even if flying with two kids and staying in a hotel is not exactly relaxing. I think I just need some rest.

I'm grateful to have so much to do, for my family, and for sobriety. I am so lucky to have a life that is so intact.

Post-dinner grading

Just finished some post-dinner grading. I've got about five more days to work on a big project before I'll be leaving town. I don't think I'll get it done, but I'll have done the best I can. I'm feeling ill with fatigue, which for someone coming out of a recent bout of mono is troubling. I probably have a bit of a virus - kid #1 has been coughing for a week. I'll keep trying to find some balance and know that in a week I'll be among friends and family.

I've missed some meetings recently. Not the best circumstance, but something that I can roll with. I'll go to my home group tomorrow and get to meetings over the weekend. I realize that I've been so productive because I've gotten sober, and I mustn't forget that I have to tend my sobriety to keep things moving along as well as they are.

I'm happy that I've been sober in other ways recently. I've been generally calm and loving with my family and stayed away from self-defeating thoughts about my work. There are some things I need to turn my attention to, like looking at updates to the job list and preparing the next round of letters, but it's not like I've been slacking off recently. I am looking forward to being around some AA brethren.

We had a parent-teacher conference for my youngest today. He's got lots of personality and very advanced large-motor skills. His teachers actually seemed to be complimenting us on being good parents. He's doing well, and that's all that matters.

Work

I've been trusting that I'll have the intuition to know what to do as I'm moving along. Besides being a much calmer presence in my childrens' lives and a better mate, mostly what this has meant recently is work. What had been suffering most, of course, while I was spending most of my days hungover, was my work. I took care of the kids, but as a nominal graduate student writing a dissertation it was easy to drift. I haven't been doing much dissertation writing, but I have been working - a lot. Besides my teaching assistant duties, I have another freelance job editing a manuscript. I spent the past weekend working solid, literally full time both days. Yesterday, I worked all day, and was grading until midnight. Working so late is probably not sustainable, because we're up at six to begin the process of putting our day and the kids' day together. But it's also a revelation to be able to do so much.

All this work, of course, risks getting away from the program. I haven't been attending meetings ever day. It's been mostly every other day now. But I've got some regular meetings, all evening meetings and all with a spiritual orientation. What has suffered recently is working with my sponsor on the fourth step, so I'll be trying to turn my attention to that at the end of the month. I'm not losing sight of the real goal here: being sober. I'm using AA tools constantly throughout the day. As my stress climbs during the day my natural inclination would be to turn to a drink, so I'm learning to come down each day without the assistance of a drug. I'm grateful that it's been working.

Haunting

I am grateful to be busy, but it's been a long week in which I didn't get enough done. Later today I head to my home group and meet with my sponsor.

Two things of note happened over the last day or so. I was searching for something in the basement closet and came upon a full bottle of wine tucked away. I suppose at some point it was stored there, and there it's been. A regular person would pick up the bottle and put it in the wine rack. Me, I'm like, oh sweet jesus, a full bottle of wine and home all alone. What would it be like to drink? Could I get away with it? The bottle practically started to speak to me. What I also thought of was a story my sponsor told me about a few slips he's had that happened in very similar ways. It could be so easy. It felt odd to throw it in the trash, but there was no way I was going to drink it.

The other thing. Via a social network, my high school girlfriend got in touch with me. It's thrown me off for the whole day. We were together for three or four years, which is unusual in high school. The period we were together also coincided with major turmoil at home, my descent into being a druggee, and ultimately set the pattern for the lonely, fucked up years to follow. It was a traumatic time and our breakup was not pretty. Predictably, her dad hated me, and it was probably deserved. I still feel pain and resentment about the whole deal. It's even more difficult because I always felt like a blue stater deeply embedded in a red state environment, and it's no different now. She's still a devout Christian, like almost everyone from that era of my life, and I'm a decadent heathen even if I am sober now. The silver lining, I suppose. When I do get around to making amends, I'll know how to get in touch with her.

Headlong

It was another headlong day, but I made it to a noon meeting. It's for keeps in a meeting like today. People are there to keep their shit together, and it's not at all frivolous. I need this kind of seriousness. I could feel the love in the room.

Once again, I have proof that meetings work. Last night, I was wound up and irritable, raising my voice at home and hoping all those around would feel my misery. Went to a 8 p.m. meeting and came home with my wits gathered again. I've got too much to do, but what I realized is how grateful I am to be busy, to be able to spend time with my kids, and for being sober. It's been working well, at least for today.

Old me

I hit Monday and suddenly everything sped up. Two of the things that take all my concentration, grading and writing, are on the agenda for the week. I've got important meetings and people depending on me coming through. And when I look over the week, I see family, kids, and house flinging themselves up in the way. I'm grateful, still, to be busy. It's a far cry from a year ago.

One of the things I've been avoiding - contacting one of my committee members about updating a letter - came back to haunt me yesterday, and (horror!) they were all irritated and pissed off, especially the person I've avoided. It makes me turn around and think, what have I learned from the program?

The avoidance thing is a trait I've been trying to address by facing the fears and moving beyond them. The shame I felt toward this person is part of the old me who was trying to hide. I don't feel the need to hide right now, and getting this out of the way means that I can move ahead. Sure, I'm scared and ambivalent about searching for an academic job, but I don't need to manage the future and what it might hold.

I love to write, and, frankly, I actually like to see what students have come up with, even if it means I have to "grade" them. I hate giving Cs, but this too is part of the old me, the one who wasn't very confident and who wanted only to be loved in spite of his faults.

Looking at my butt

A hectic week indeed. I made some good money, proved I could pull myself through a deadline, and survived sober. Yesterday morning, on top of everything else, I had a colonoscopy. I'm too young for this sort of thing, except that I have minor colitis and the doc wants to keep track of its spread. It hasn't spread, but it unfortunately hasn't gone away either. For those who've had the pleasure, the procedure itself (this is my second) isn't so bad: you're too drugged to remember it. It's the preparation, which entails something like 36 hours of clear liquids only. I was hungry. Then one does a couple of doses of intense laxatives. I was camped out in the downstairs bathroom for a few hours, both the night before and the morning of. Let's just say that colonic cleanses are not my thing.

I did make it to my home group last night and to a big meeting this morning. This morning's topic was on meditation. I think this Saturday morning group seems to be geared toward non-Christian spirituality, because topics like this have come up before. I came away with that paradoxical sense that I'm glad I have a drinking problem because I'm able to go to AA meetings. I haven't really been practicing a good meditation routine, but many people talked about appreciating the meditative, quiet moments in a day. This I have been doing, increasingly. I was also interested in what one person said about "analytical meditation," which is not so much about quieting thoughts so much as focusing thoughts. These past few weeks have brought new revelations in my growing ability to concentrate better now that I'm sober. Perhaps I'll be able to focus, as well, on staying current with this blog.

Still sober

I'm happy to write that I'm still sober. It's been a few days since I've been to a meeting, but in that time I've been working full days on a writing project, had my parents visiting, helped host a birthday party for my seven-year-old, and danced until midnight at a local music festival. Today I clocked ten and a half hours of work and still got my kids off to school, met my son at the bus at 3:30, and made (an easy) dinner. There was a moment last night, after my son's birthday party, that I really needed to wind down and a drink sounded great. But, you know, if I didn't have a problem with alcohol a drink would have been in order. Since I do drink to excess, since I am an alcoholic, it's best that I not have that drink to take the edge off stress.

The fact that my wife has joined me in sobriety (and even my mom over the weekend) helps tremendously. It keeps temptation, such as it is, at a distance. I didn't make it to a meeting today, but I will be going to a candlelight meeting tomorrow. I couldn't have accomplished what I've done in the last couple of weeks if I hadn't been sober. It really changes everything, at least for me. I'm grateful to have sobriety.

Keeling over

I have family in town and two ongoing jobs. Tonight we'll be at a music festival and on Sunday we're throwing a big birthday party for my (almost) 7-year-old. It's busy. I've been to a meeting everyday and will be going to my home group before going out. I also added a a midweek meeting with my sponsor, where we drafted "a plan" for the weekend, and I meet with him today. My biggest is issue is feeling stressed and worried, with the accompanying anxiety. I'd like to just take a big day off, but it's impossible right now. I do think I have a handle on my jobs, but deadlines approach, and deadlines are always fear-inducing, regardless of whether one is ready or not. I'm afraid of a lot today: failure, fucking up, losing it emotionally. The sequence that plays most in my mind in moments like these is sitting in a meeting or a class and keeling over in a faint or with a heart attack. The key, I think, is saying with the flow and not trying to control very feeling that I have or others have.

It's an exciting time, for chrissakes, I have a lot to be happy about.

The verdict

I'd say the sobriety thing is working out well. I've been averaging about a meeting every other day the past week, which isn't as much as I'd like. But I'm taking care of things. Lots of things. And making some money. It may not be my dissertation that is getting done right now, but I'm exercising my chops.

The rest of the week shouldn't be so hectic. I've got grading done until Saturday and drafts written on my writing project, so I should be able to get to a meeting every day and have more of a weekend coming up.

Things feel different today, and for that I'm fucking grateful. I'm friendlier, less anxious, busier, optimistic, able to find the right word most of the time, less resentful, and not depressed. Today, I took the kids to school and picked them up (and they each had time devoted to them), the dog got walked (twice), I rode my bike to campus and back, I made dinner and did the dishes, fulfilled work responsibilities, and told my wife that I loved her.

Yesterday evening I gave a young guy a ride home from a meeting. He just got suspended from his graduate fellowship and has about a week of sobriety. He was pretty unnerving, to be honest. I encouraged him to come to my home group, where they offer newcomers temporary sponsors. It's a serious group for people serious about the program. He'd heard of the group and thought it sounded too serious. Okay. It confirmed my sense that I'm going to right places.

Oh, yeah, today I have two months of continuous, genuine sobriety. It's cool, very, very cool.

Pacing

It was a quick, busy week. For the first time in a long time, meeting my son's bus at 3:30 has been really hard to do. But I think I've got a handle on things. I let a hair appointment blow by me, but rescheduled it for today. I've only got about half the writing project done, but there's sill a week more to go. I even replaced a headlight in one of our cars. I've got grading to do and a lawn to mow, in addition to putting in another long day tomorrow, but it will work out, I trust.

As usual, Friday was another big AA day. I relaxed my pace a bit during the day and then met with my sponsor and went to my home group. The meeting's topic was the ninth step. I'm not sure I like the tradition of doing a step meeting at the end of each month, because it's usual only those who always talk who talk at these meetings. But I always learn something. Like people really do the amends, in person. My sponsor and I talked about the fourth step and read about it in "The 12 Steps for Everyone." This book has a particularly sane vocabulary. What I realized most of all yesterday is that I need to be doing the first three steps every day. I need to surrender and stay connected to my spirituality regardless of what's going on. For me, I see these three steps as being my foundation. During our meeting I was doubting things too much, letting myself get in the way too much. "Quiet," I want to say. Stay with your peace of mind.

Candlelight calm

I've been feeling pretty frantic, and working harder than usual. I didn't make it to a meeting on Monday and then also skipped my usual noon meeting on Tuesday. That's a day and half without a meeting, and I'll admit to feeling a bit adrift. Last night I made it out to a candlelight meeting, which is small and focused on spiritual conditions. It worked.

I calmed down. I spoke (in the dark) about my two-month cycles. How for the past six months I've slipped twice, both at about the two-month interval. As I hit the latest two months I need to be mindful of this cycle. The meeting's topic was on willingness. For me, willingness simply means using the program to stay sober and healthy. What I also spoke about was my reluctance to feel like I "need" the program. I needed the program last night, and there's something in me that recoils from needing anything. I can't trust. But, I said, I needed the program last night and there it was, raw and weird and something I belong to. It felt like a bit of a breakthrough. My voice cracked and was strained, but I tried to simply let my emotion be out there. I think this is really the crux about my struggle to be honest. I'm afraid of the emotion that arises when I try to speak about things.

Today, my voice also broke. The guy giving the lead had an amazing sense of class awareness, someone aware of having been working class, smart and fucked up, who slowly worked his way into a PhD program in his forties. He even had a bottom-feeding job similar to my own period as a nurses aid, while taking drugs and generally being miserable. The only difference is that he found the program long before I did, and as I acknowledged this my voice hiccuped and broke with emotion. It's frightening. There are colleagues and neighbors at this meeting, people whom I would normally hide from.

Yet I feel really connected to the program tonight. It can help keep me sober. And happy.

Aphorisms

There are a lot of aphorisms in AA, as most people know. Little slogans and slayings that encapsulate certain truths about working the program. Easy Does It. One Day at a Time. Get a sponsor. Sit down, shut up and listen. Fake it til you make it (this was a big one for me). Most of sayings I hear daily aren't as cut and dry, but I also don't remember them as well. Tonight's meeting was about these little nuggets of wisdom that get passed around like currency. See lots of them here.

I talked about my own experience with the phrase "Keep Coming Back." I've brought this up before, how at my first meeting they said "keep coming back" at the end and I thought they were talking directly to me. I was having a horrible day, and it really brightened my spirits. And then in subsequent meetings I realized that it's said all the time at meeting's end. I still like the phrase, though. It suggests the tolerance and open-endedness of AA, while at the same time it demands your willingness to keep coming back. I think it's this willingness, to keep going to meetings, to be honest, to stay sober that affects me most of all. It's certainly something I struggled with in my early days, and the more willing I've become the easier it's become. Someone also brought up a fragment from the third-step prayer, "relieve me of the bondage of self." I say this to myself every day, throughout the day. It means that I shouldn't be so self-conscious, that I needn't be selfish and think only of myself, that, quite frankly, it's not all about me. It also reminds me not to be isolated, that I don't need to curl protectively around myself.

On Friday I told my sponsor that I was feeling a lot more comfortable with the third step--"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood it"--and that I wanted to begin making plans for the fourth. Tonight, it occurred to me that I'm not having much trouble accepting the spiritual component of the program. It really works for people, many of whom are agnostic like me. And then I was thinking that I've come to a point where I'm, like, fuck yeah, I want to turn my will over to a higher power. Whatever it takes to be sober.

As someone else mentioned tonight. Meetings and prayer, meetings and prayer, whether you're an atheistic asshole or a god-fearing asshole. Meetings and prayer.

Stress bump

It's been a while since I've had a stress pimple on the nape of my neck, but there it is signifying the urgency in recent days. Today I graded papers for 10 fidgety, unshowered hours and I'm still only half way done with this week's grading. Monday I meet with the person I'll be writing for, and save for getting to classes I'll be trying to dedicate my time to the writing project.

How does the program work in all of this? Well, after finishing work about 6:30 I ate dinner with the family, took the kids and dog to the park, cleaned the kitchen, mopped, put new sheets on our beds, and now I'm running Office updates on my basement computer. It's been a long, mostly unpleasant day. But I don't feel resentful or angry. I wish my myopic eyes were focusing better, but I don't feel bad about things. In fact, my kids had a great day with their mom. And mom herself is looking awfully cute in a T-shirt. Being sober means I can rebound better from days like this. It means that I can move on to the next day without trauma and trust that I'll be ready to meet the day tomorrow (in truth, I still wonder - there were lots of awful mornings). No worries tonight.

Emotion of an emotion

I got the writing job and I'm being paid more than I've ever made, but it's most likely a one-time deal and it will be very challenging. I'll be writing in a high profile genre that I haven't done before, and it all has to be done in the next two weeks. On top of forty some papers to grade over the next few days, it's going to be intense. I just have to show up and stay humble. Yeah, and find more time in the day.

My home group meeting tonight was equally intense. Someone had just experienced a freak, alcohol-caused death and so much of the meeting was taken up with tragic events. I know that it happens all the time, but getting that much concentrated sadness in one room is a little overwhelming. Clearly, people find the tools in AA helpful. What struck me the most tonight is how much these men strive to stay open, honest, and emotionally healthy. They talk about not wanting to shut down, of striving to be available for family and friends, and of letting themselves feel. To a man I imagine that alcohol was used as a numbing mechanism, and learning to deal with emotion rather than simply try to cover it up is at the center of their program. Oddly enough, my emotions were kind of out of control when I was drinking, but one might call them emotions responding to other more serious emotions. The former seem to provide cover for the latter, but eventually, if one keeps drinking, they take on a life of their own.

Of course, there are always the small rebellions taking place around the fringes of a meeting, but the assurance of these dudes' engagement is heartening.

Strung a little tight

Let's see, we just spent about an hour at the park. We chilled; the kids ran and ran. Earlier in the day I had an emotional meltdown with my oldest, with both of us feeling upset and frustrated. Me because he wasn't getting ready for school fast enough; and him because I seemed to have overreacted. Then later, the dentist tried to reschedule his tooth cleaning appointment, which he's had for six months and for which I did lots of work to try to fit in our schedule. I literally growled on the phone, and when they ended up relenting and let us come in the office manager glared at me the whole time. My rep: a guy with an anger problem. I also flipped someone off who made a dangerous cut off on me, and they proceeded to gesticulate with a rage I could not match. All in all, not one of my calmest days. I suppose I'm feeling the stress of everything I've got on my plate, including a possible writing job. I met someone yesterday about the work, but I still don't know how it's going to play out. It's a little more high profile than I'm used to and I'd need to be as calm as possible next week in order to meet the challenge. A tall order, if today is any indication.

I did get to a noon meeting, where we talked about the eighth step: making an amends list. I was happy with what I talked about. One thing I suggested is that the eighth step seems to have two mechanisms. The first, of course, is about taking responsibility for things you've done and perpetrated. But anticipating the ninth step, I think that the amends list also gets guilt out of the way. There are lots of things I've done that I regret, most especially to everyone I've ever dated and especially to the woman I spent five years with before getting married to AO. These guilts and what they seem to say about me as a person are a good reason to drink. So trying to clear this guilt out seems like a good strategy for staying sober. I've been thinking about the steps a lot. Maybe next month I'll do a fourth step and get moving on them.

Finally, a shout out to my brother-in-law for the good chat today. It was particularly good to tell someone about yet another drunken call I received from an AA friend today. I said to this guy, look, don't call me unless you aren't drinking.

Showing up

I've been working the program the last two days just to keep my head above water. I'm busy, I'm glad I'm not drinking. Had an important meeting about my dissertation yesterday, for which I worked over the weekend. Tomorrow I have an interview of sorts, for a writing job that I don't know much about. There are good things happening, but I'm also facing up to my drift and procrastination, coming out and admitting it to some people I'll need on my side over the next year or so. I'm also feeling super ambivalent about searching for a full-time academic position. I don't really want to move, nor does my wife want to lose the good job she has here. The beginning of this semester has been a whirlwind like no other for the past couple of years. What a difference sobriety makes.

Attended a noon meeting yesterday and today. Talked in both. During yesterday's meeting, which turned into a first-step meeting, I shared about how I thought I'd gained so much by being able to quit smoking pot and doing cocaine, acid, and other shit so many years ago. About my triumph over cigarettes. Only to have the creeping progression of alcoholism get the best of me the last few years. Get the best of me? How about gulping from a fifth of vodka on the drive home, thinking that I was hiding it. I spoke today about how I'm facing up to some of the things I've been putting off. How I'm trying not assert control over things or anticipate their outcomes. I'm just trying to show up.

UPDATE: A shout out to my wife who chaired her first al-anon meeting today. You bet I'm grateful.

David Foster Wallace

Wow. The writer David Foster Wallace was found dead after hanging himself on Friday. He was 46 years old, only three years older than me. I've thought recently about his "big novel" Infinite Jest because one of its subthemes is A.A. Clearly, Wallace was fascinated with what happens in A.A. meetings, even though he claimed not to have been an alcoholic (I think he went only to open meetings). I'm surprised he committed suicide. Who knows?

UPDATE: Read an A.A.- inflected obit here.

Turning things over

Not sure what to write today - I've got other work to do, but I know it's also important to stay current here. Met with my sponsor yesterday, went to my home group last night, and to a 9 a.m. meeting this morning. I'm thinking a lot about trust. It's easy for me to start feeling alienated and paranoid, and I've been trying to keep these feelings in check. I do get unnerved about fellow AAers, I don't always trust my sponsor, and I haven't been feeling comfortable enough to speak up. I know of other AAers who suffer from anxiety and fear, and I'm trying to follow their spiritual approach to things. But when I see selfish behavior in meetings, or when regulars are always checking out of meetings early or, like the woman next to me this morning, come to meetings regularly reeking, it's hard to know what to think. It's not my business, of course. At the same time it seems like people are infuriatingly upbeat and I feel like I shouldn't ever share my doubts lest I bring everyone down.

I think a lot of this has to do with pride and ego. With humility and willingness the hyper self-consciousness and fear will fade. My sponsor is actually trustworthy. I just want him to tell me that I'm the greatest, like how I might talk to one of my kids. I want people to love me in meetings, but if I'm not putting anything out, like my honesty and care for others, they aren't very likely to even see me. So it's the willingness to let go of my pride and ego that I need to be thinking about right now. Still at steps two and three, still trying to turn things over.

Old heads

I've been trying to make it to the Thursday evening meeting on a regular basis, because it feels like a meeting I should like. The verdict is still out.

For one thing, it's hard to get to a six o'clock meeting when I barely have time to turn the kids over and get a dinner ready to serve before I need to be there. Although tonight I heard a good lead, someone who continued to smoke a lot of pot and do acid even after he was sober - in his forties. Over the past five months, I've been trying to make similar arguments about what kind of sobriety I'm willing to have. (I'm not arguing anymore about how unfair it is that I can't ever have a drink; surreptiously swilling beer in a French basement kitchen was convincing enough.) Tonight's lead eventually stopped arguing with the program. And you can tell that even an old head can find peace and grace in sobriety.

But it's also a hard meeting, in particular, because the social dynamic is always a little confusing, as though I don't belong with the cool kids. It was worse tonight because there were quite a few old heads there, all who grew up in town. And they sort of starting trading "back-in-the-day" stories - not the lead, mind. But some others. "Oh, yeah, I remember when I was in jail with Shorty." I came away from the meeting without much spiritual sustenance. It happens. Every meeting is different.

Tomorrow is another busy day. I have to attend a couple of classes and prep for an important meeting on Monday. For tonight I just want to say, "relieve me of the bondage of self." And that I'm grateful there are people in my personal and professional lives that still have some faith in me.

Oh boy, so busy

I suppose it's a good thing that I've started to do work after the kids are in bed. It's a sign that sobriety is accomplishing what it should. And it makes me simply too busy to drink. There's more to it than that, though. Given all that I've got going on and the stimulus of being in classes all week, the last thing I'd think of doing right now is getting loaded. My biggest worry is getting so wound up that my insomnia comes back. (It's good that I resisted having a final expresso at 5 p.m. today.) Our sleep is already broken up by the kids. I felt so good, doing the house dad thing, worrying about the future, but able to chill out generally when I needed to. No more chilling out now. Hopefully, some of this urgency will translate into getting more work done on the diss. Certainly, the slings and arrows of being on the job market is going to make me feel more deeply guilty.

I have a few tools now. I've got to let go of at least some of the anxiety about the future and how my sorry, procrastinating ass will be perceived by fellow academics. I've got a new article out in a mainline journal, after all, even though it's also true that I'm working on something like my twelfth year of grad school (with stops, of course, to work full time and have children). And I have to be willing to keep trying at this bizarre professional life I've chosen, just as I've become more willing to change the direction of my life.

Went to an exquisitely weird noon meeting. Chairing the meeting was the aetheistic hard ass that everyone loves to hate. The problem with him is that he acts as though everyone disagrees with him. As usual, I've spent part of the day obsessed and paranoid about what I said in the meeting. "Was it right?" "Was it smart?" "Was it true?" "Was my emotion obvious?" It doesn't really matter. The problem is that what I think about the program changes so much from day to day. Today I said that I see only one rule for myself in the program. Don't drink. That's it. Of course, there's so much more I'm trying to follow. But that's the only absolute. The rest of the program is sort of mysterious to me. A big part of it is going to meetings, of course. And since the topic today was on the unity of the fellowship, I'd say I was on topic. Sometimes I'm floored when I imagine all these meetings taking place all over on any given day. If you think about what it takes for all of these people to come together in a loose sort of unity, with a common welfare in mind, it's pretty mind blowing. Consider my mind blown tonight.

Doing the steps

Yesterday I had a back and forth with my brother-in-law about getting a full fourth step done. Here's where I ended up:

It seems to me that the fourth step should be ongoing, that one should always be working through the issues with one’s character defects. When I did 4-7 before France it didn’t really release me from my defects, just like the deflation I felt after being baptized at 12 years old. I didn’t feel ANYTHING. Now I find myself thinking and working through these defects daily: especially the things that keep me from concentrating or that I use as an excuse to procrastinate.

I think in some ways I’m doing 3 and 7 all the time right now, like I’m living them. As I was saying to my sponsor on Friday, I’m trying to stay calm, not overwhelmed, balanced, away from paranoia and irrational thoughts. I'm trying to avoid controlling everything and remain aware of a higher power (life force). I was wound up last week, but I was talking about it and going to meetings. This is all good stuff and not the way I was dealing with things before. I’ll formalize this process soon, but it seems like I’d be forcing it right now. At the very least, I’ve got some true sobriety going on right now and I don’t want to get too impatient.

Today was a Monday and a bit more challenging. Working with courses is wiping me out and I'm not sure how to manage these days better. Went to a meeting last night whose topic was "serenity." I left feeling incredibly relaxed and ready for the week. At today's noon meeting, after being on campus all morning, I felt wiggy and out of it. I think being there ultimately brought me down a notch, but while reading "how it works" to the group I was out of body with stress. We're all tired this evening, but we made a great farmer's market vege meal and went to the park together to play and walk the dog.

Who we really are

The last two days have been busy, but I also went to three meetings, met with my sponsor, and had a substantial chat with a fellow academic I've seen in some meetings the past month. I also received a phone call yesterday morning from my relapsing friend, who called while I was in a class. I didn't get him when I called back, but my sponsor talked to him. He was apparently holed up in his apartment, with a bottle in his hand, threatening to kill himself. My sponsor called the authorities to try to get him hospitalized. We went by later to his apartment and there was no answer at his door. It's messy, to be sure, and with all my commitments I just don't know what I can do. He refuses to go to meetings, and if I were him I'd be going morning, noon, and night.

I'm still working on trusting the fellowship and my sponsor. Which means, I think, that I'm developing more trust. I hope. I do believe that the practice of attending meetings and speaking to my sponsor puts me in touch with a working higher power. I've got five weeks now and this time I've been completely sober. No anti-anxiety drugs or sleeping pills. No pot. Nothing. It feels fragile, though I don't really think about using. There's always someone to talk to or something to do, even when my anxiety and fear builds up. It's working, umm, one day at a time.

The person I talked to for a while last night is doubting the efficacy of the program more than me. His (tenured) success is still intact, and I think he wonders whether it's worth the bother to work the program. I feel differently and much more humble. "To those who have made progress in A.A.." the 12 & 12 says, "humility amounts to a clear recognition of what and who we really are, followed by a sincere attempt to become what we could be." I'm ashamed by how little I've accomplished -- I'm grading papers, for christsakes -- but that's how it is -- for now, at least.

So hot

I'm wiped out tonight. Attended the courses I'm TA'ing, went to a noon meeting, and got the kids to school and back. BB (big boy) is getting hysterical every time he's asked to do his homework, so weathered that storm this afternoon. The worst aspect of the day was the heat. 95 degrees with 93% humidity. I get soaked just walking a couple of blocks in such heat, and managing my wet clothes and getting to two different classes was unpleasant. Even worse, classrooms (in the humanities) are only weakly air conditioned and generally overcrowded. This too shall pass. I'll be complaining about the cold in December.

My sponsor gave a lead today in the meeting I attended, although if I hadn't shown up I wouldn't have known. Aren't I supposed to know about such things, especially since I'm his only sponsee actually working the program right now? I shared a bit after his lead, but in keeping with the difficulty of the day my mind futzed out a minute or so in, and I sort of trailed off in the midst of confusion. Then I had to leave early to get to my afternoon class. I did call my sponsor to admonish him a bit, and he claimed to have forgotten about it until this morning. Yeah, yeah, I guess I'll accept that.

I'm still working the third step. Besides attending meetings and mindfully working on sobriety I feel like I need to set aside more time for spiritual concerns. I feel closer to finding a sort of loose spirituality in my life, but I still wince at the idea of prayer and God. I mean, I'm getting by with a kind of amorphous life force as a higher power, but I haven't been able to make this faith work in my daily life. On a day like this when my anxiety is getting the best of me I want to be able to find some strength in my spiritual condition.