First White Chip

Three and a half years

2011-11-27T12:10:00.002-05:00

Changed the username or "display name," today, to something that reeks less of skepticism. I am still sober, at least for today. Life continues to get better, my kids are doing well, I'm still keeping my relationship intact (despite the challenges of having two very busy boys), but life itself doesn't stop happening. I still struggle with anxiety and fear and paranoia. Sobriety doesn't change what I set in motion my first 40 years, but I'm dealing with it better now. The Promises are what I've found most challenging recently.

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and selfpity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. (Big Book 83-84)

I have found freedom and happiness. I have been given a new way of seeing and understanding the past. I've found enough serenity. I am not as selfish. I'm more open to others. But I'm prone to self-pity and self-seeking, and I've found economic challenges almost insurmountable. We're surviving financially; in debt, yes, but reasonably able to get from month to month. But my professional career, such as it is, since completing my Ph.D. has been stalled. I'm working full time now, but there's no guarantee that this full time work will continue. I've been unable to find a permanent position, in a teaching role or elsewhere, and if I do it could mean that we will be forced to move to another part of the country, away from the friends and support we've developed here.

The question, of course, is also about how important a professional life is to me. I lived a version of a fantasy professional life, while slowly going through graduate school, in a long cycle of deferral and drinking, that has now been burst. With the fantasy over, what can I build from the shards of my education? The advanced degree was, in part, a way of reshaping my working-class, druggy background into something respectable. I drank away most of this opportunity in the 13 years it took me to get there, though, so it's hard to know where I stand. I do have some professional credibility left, at least on paper, but it's clear that I've been unable to convince others to take a chance on me in the real world. In some ways, I'm still the twenty-something who got enough of his shit together to go to college, but now I'm forty-something and once again all I can really say is that I got my shit together enough to finish something.

The 12th step and the Big Book tell my to shy away from self-interest and self-seeking, to allow my fears and worries to lose their hold on me. This is what I practice most at the moment. It shows in my teaching. I've become a good teacher, a much different teacher, someone who absolutely loves to teach. I teach with my students' needs in mind, which is in part something I've learned from the program.

But what is to become of me? Will I intuitively know how to handle this situation, which does indeed baffle me?

At the very least, I will keep coming back.

Fifteen months or so

2009-11-19T21:49:00.002-05:00

Kind of churlish of me to miss updating on my one-year sobriety date. In July my sponsor got up to give me a chip and my brother-in-law sent me his own one-year medallion, which I carry in my wallet. Now, in mid-November I'm two weeks away from defending my completed dissertation. Meaning, I'll have a PhD in a couple of weeks.

It's taken me 13 years to do the degree, during which time I've gotten married, had two children, and drank away all of my thirties and some of my forties. I blew through academic fellowships and became too terrified to teach as my need to drink became more and more baffling. I was an addict for all of my adult life, in one form or another, but able to pass as moderately normal. It eventually caught up with me, though, and I became increasingly nonfunctional. A couple of years of futile therapy only covered up the real problem. Without being sober I would not be in a position to finish my PhD, teach a kick-ass course this semester, be there for my kids, or even be married.

I didn't go to jail. I wasn't forced to go to meetings by the judicial system. But the scars are there. I'm forty-four fucking years old, for christsakes, and still nominally a student. I don't handle stress well at all. I have trouble managing my quick emotions, even though I'm trying to teach my own children to weather their own stormy emotions. I'm prone to anxiety, depression, insecurity, and anger.

But the clear-headedness, after so many years of being muddled and confused, is a priceless gift of sobriety. Last year I was part of a group that started a new book study meeting, and now that it's on the official schedule and a meeting with its own momentum it carries the name I suggested. I've come to love the quirky, worn dudes who constitute my regular meetings. I'm humbled all the time by the distances they've traveled to become such well-meaning citizens of the world. There's something mystifying about the power of the program, but with its unique rituals and convictions it fills a need that chemicals never could. It works, it really does.

Six-month update

2009-02-07T21:15:00.002-05:00

I'm going to break my silence in celebration of making it to six months of continuous sobriety. I've been going to meetings for 10 months and now, with six months, I'm beginning to feel my head get clearer and clearer. I go to about five regular meetings a week, with absolute firm commitments to three of them. I go to a study group every Saturday morning. I've finished step four and my sponsor and I have scheduled a fifth. I also have some other friends in meetings now, whom I usually hang around to check in with. It's still a struggle to live a spiritual life, but I don't want to drink. For those who get desperate enough to seek out AA, it really is a new way of life. I don't doubt at all that being sober allows you to be the person you really are.

Hiatus

2008-11-04T08:34:00.002-05:00

I'm going to take a (hopefully brief) break from posting on this blog. I've already been neglecting it recently. My sense is that I want to focus on communicating in my local meetings and developing more trust with the people in them. As I make a commitment to taking the fourth step, I feel like I'm shifting to a slightly different mode. It really is a way of life and I'm happy to be living it.

Success

2008-11-04T08:32:00.003-05:00

I stayed sober on the latest trip. Went to two meetings there and emerged from a rehearsal dinner and wedding reception intact. It was a hectic trip, but it proved once again that everything is easier sober.

Three months

2008-10-29T20:03:00.002-04:00

I forgot to mention in my earlier post that I have three months of continuous sobriety today. Three months since I returned from France. I should have gone to a meeting today, and my sponsor certainly wasn't happy that I didn't I'll be landing in a different city tomorrow and I've mapped out a meeting to go to in the evening and a nooner for Friday. I realize I've lost my balance a bit in the last two weeks. Being over committed is just as bad as being under committed. I'm feeling bad about that tonight, but I guess I just need to keep plugging away at it.

I'm going to go to at least two meetings while I'm away over the weekend and maybe three. There's a big wedding party, but the whole family (including my father-in-law) knows I'm sober now, and that kind of accountability will go a long way. We're renting a car, I've got my laptop and phone, so I should be able to do what I need if I feel vulnerable.

I'll also be attending a Saturday morning study group the following weekend that I hope is going to become a regular thing and help me move along through the fourth step. AA has been making a lot possible recently and I know I need to uphold my end of the deal. I'm pretty happy with what sobriety has brought.

But damn, I'm just addled with fatigue. It's time to hit the sack.

Teaching fool

2008-10-29T15:22:00.004-04:00

I subbed today for the professor I've been working for. I subbed two weeks ago as well, but that was only administering a quiz. Today, I actually taught, the first class I've actually taught in two years. It went well. It's not easy taking someone's class, but I felt like I helped them better understand their upcoming paper assignment.

I've been furiously busy, in a way where I keep having these feelings that I'm not going to survive. I'm staying with faith and trust, and so far I've been meeting all my obligations. But I'm tired. We leave town tomorrow for the weekend. In some ways, I'm in a good place. I'm not going to drink. That's an absolute at this point. I'm also looking forward to having a break from work, even if flying with two kids and staying in a hotel is not exactly relaxing. I think I just need some rest.

I'm grateful to have so much to do, for my family, and for sobriety. I am so lucky to have a life that is so intact.

Post-dinner grading

2008-10-23T20:19:00.002-04:00

Just finished some post-dinner grading. I've got about five more days to work on a big project before I'll be leaving town. I don't think I'll get it done, but I'll have done the best I can. I'm feeling ill with fatigue, which for someone coming out of a recent bout of mono is troubling. I probably have a bit of a virus - kid #1 has been coughing for a week. I'll keep trying to find some balance and know that in a week I'll be among friends and family.

I've missed some meetings recently. Not the best circumstance, but something that I can roll with. I'll go to my home group tomorrow and get to meetings over the weekend. I realize that I've been so productive because I've gotten sober, and I mustn't forget that I have to tend my sobriety to keep things moving along as well as they are.

I'm happy that I've been sober in other ways recently. I've been generally calm and loving with my family and stayed away from self-defeating thoughts about my work. There are some things I need to turn my attention to, like looking at updates to the job list and preparing the next round of letters, but it's not like I've been slacking off recently. I am looking forward to being around some AA brethren.

We had a parent-teacher conference for my youngest today. He's got lots of personality and very advanced large-motor skills. His teachers actually seemed to be complimenting us on being good parents. He's doing well, and that's all that matters.

Work

2008-10-21T06:32:00.002-04:00

I've been trusting that I'll have the intuition to know what to do as I'm moving along. Besides being a much calmer presence in my childrens' lives and a better mate, mostly what this has meant recently is work. What had been suffering most, of course, while I was spending most of my days hungover, was my work. I took care of the kids, but as a nominal graduate student writing a dissertation it was easy to drift. I haven't been doing much dissertation writing, but I have been working - a lot. Besides my teaching assistant duties, I have another freelance job editing a manuscript. I spent the past weekend working solid, literally full time both days. Yesterday, I worked all day, and was grading until midnight. Working so late is probably not sustainable, because we're up at six to begin the process of putting our day and the kids' day together. But it's also a revelation to be able to do so much.

All this work, of course, risks getting away from the program. I haven't been attending meetings ever day. It's been mostly every other day now. But I've got some regular meetings, all evening meetings and all with a spiritual orientation. What has suffered recently is working with my sponsor on the fourth step, so I'll be trying to turn my attention to that at the end of the month. I'm not losing sight of the real goal here: being sober. I'm using AA tools constantly throughout the day. As my stress climbs during the day my natural inclination would be to turn to a drink, so I'm learning to come down each day without the assistance of a drug. I'm grateful that it's been working.

Haunting

2008-10-17T15:42:00.003-04:00

I am grateful to be busy, but it's been a long week in which I didn't get enough done. Later today I head to my home group and meet with my sponsor.

Two things of note happened over the last day or so. I was searching for something in the basement closet and came upon a full bottle of wine tucked away. I suppose at some point it was stored there, and there it's been. A regular person would pick up the bottle and put it in the wine rack. Me, I'm like, oh sweet jesus, a full bottle of wine and home all alone. What would it be like to drink? Could I get away with it? The bottle practically started to speak to me. What I also thought of was a story my sponsor told me about a few slips he's had that happened in very similar ways. It could be so easy. It felt odd to throw it in the trash, but there was no way I was going to drink it.

The other thing. Via a social network, my high school girlfriend got in touch with me. It's thrown me off for the whole day. We were together for three or four years, which is unusual in high school. The period we were together also coincided with major turmoil at home, my descent into being a druggee, and ultimately set the pattern for the lonely, fucked up years to follow. It was a traumatic time and our breakup was not pretty. Predictably, her dad hated me, and it was probably deserved. I still feel pain and resentment about the whole deal. It's even more difficult because I always felt like a blue stater deeply embedded in a red state environment, and it's no different now. She's still a devout Christian, like almost everyone from that era of my life, and I'm a decadent heathen even if I am sober now. The silver lining, I suppose. When I do get around to making amends, I'll know how to get in touch with her.

Headlong

2008-10-15T19:10:00.002-04:00

It was another headlong day, but I made it to a noon meeting. It's for keeps in a meeting like today. People are there to keep their shit together, and it's not at all frivolous. I need this kind of seriousness. I could feel the love in the room.

Once again, I have proof that meetings work. Last night, I was wound up and irritable, raising my voice at home and hoping all those around would feel my misery. Went to a 8 p.m. meeting and came home with my wits gathered again. I've got too much to do, but what I realized is how grateful I am to be busy, to be able to spend time with my kids, and for being sober. It's been working well, at least for today.

Old me

2008-10-14T06:57:00.003-04:00

I hit Monday and suddenly everything sped up. Two of the things that take all my concentration, grading and writing, are on the agenda for the week. I've got important meetings and people depending on me coming through. And when I look over the week, I see family, kids, and house flinging themselves up in the way. I'm grateful, still, to be busy. It's a far cry from a year ago.

One of the things I've been avoiding - contacting one of my committee members about updating a letter - came back to haunt me yesterday, and (horror!) they were all irritated and pissed off, especially the person I've avoided. It makes me turn around and think, what have I learned from the program?

The avoidance thing is a trait I've been trying to address by facing the fears and moving beyond them. The shame I felt toward this person is part of the old me who was trying to hide. I don't feel the need to hide right now, and getting this out of the way means that I can move ahead. Sure, I'm scared and ambivalent about searching for an academic job, but I don't need to manage the future and what it might hold.

I love to write, and, frankly, I actually like to see what students have come up with, even if it means I have to "grade" them. I hate giving Cs, but this too is part of the old me, the one who wasn't very confident and who wanted only to be loved in spite of his faults.

Looking at my butt

2008-10-11T16:56:00.002-04:00

A hectic week indeed. I made some good money, proved I could pull myself through a deadline, and survived sober. Yesterday morning, on top of everything else, I had a colonoscopy. I'm too young for this sort of thing, except that I have minor colitis and the doc wants to keep track of its spread. It hasn't spread, but it unfortunately hasn't gone away either. For those who've had the pleasure, the procedure itself (this is my second) isn't so bad: you're too drugged to remember it. It's the preparation, which entails something like 36 hours of clear liquids only. I was hungry. Then one does a couple of doses of intense laxatives. I was camped out in the downstairs bathroom for a few hours, both the night before and the morning of. Let's just say that colonic cleanses are not my thing.

I did make it to my home group last night and to a big meeting this morning. This morning's topic was on meditation. I think this Saturday morning group seems to be geared toward non-Christian spirituality, because topics like this have come up before. I came away with that paradoxical sense that I'm glad I have a drinking problem because I'm able to go to AA meetings. I haven't really been practicing a good meditation routine, but many people talked about appreciating the meditative, quiet moments in a day. This I have been doing, increasingly. I was also interested in what one person said about "analytical meditation," which is not so much about quieting thoughts so much as focusing thoughts. These past few weeks have brought new revelations in my growing ability to concentrate better now that I'm sober. Perhaps I'll be able to focus, as well, on staying current with this blog.

Still sober

2008-10-06T20:25:00.002-04:00

I'm happy to write that I'm still sober. It's been a few days since I've been to a meeting, but in that time I've been working full days on a writing project, had my parents visiting, helped host a birthday party for my seven-year-old, and danced until midnight at a local music festival. Today I clocked ten and a half hours of work and still got my kids off to school, met my son at the bus at 3:30, and made (an easy) dinner. There was a moment last night, after my son's birthday party, that I really needed to wind down and a drink sounded great. But, you know, if I didn't have a problem with alcohol a drink would have been in order. Since I do drink to excess, since I am an alcoholic, it's best that I not have that drink to take the edge off stress.

The fact that my wife has joined me in sobriety (and even my mom over the weekend) helps tremendously. It keeps temptation, such as it is, at a distance. I didn't make it to a meeting today, but I will be going to a candlelight meeting tomorrow. I couldn't have accomplished what I've done in the last couple of weeks if I hadn't been sober. It really changes everything, at least for me. I'm grateful to have sobriety.

Keeling over

2008-10-03T07:54:00.002-04:00

I have family in town and two ongoing jobs. Tonight we'll be at a music festival and on Sunday we're throwing a big birthday party for my (almost) 7-year-old. It's busy. I've been to a meeting everyday and will be going to my home group before going out. I also added a a midweek meeting with my sponsor, where we drafted "a plan" for the weekend, and I meet with him today. My biggest is issue is feeling stressed and worried, with the accompanying anxiety. I'd like to just take a big day off, but it's impossible right now. I do think I have a handle on my jobs, but deadlines approach, and deadlines are always fear-inducing, regardless of whether one is ready or not. I'm afraid of a lot today: failure, fucking up, losing it emotionally. The sequence that plays most in my mind in moments like these is sitting in a meeting or a class and keeling over in a faint or with a heart attack. The key, I think, is saying with the flow and not trying to control very feeling that I have or others have.

It's an exciting time, for chrissakes, I have a lot to be happy about.

The verdict

2008-09-29T20:44:00.003-04:00

I'd say the sobriety thing is working out well. I've been averaging about a meeting every other day the past week, which isn't as much as I'd like. But I'm taking care of things. Lots of things. And making some money. It may not be my dissertation that is getting done right now, but I'm exercising my chops.

The rest of the week shouldn't be so hectic. I've got grading done until Saturday and drafts written on my writing project, so I should be able to get to a meeting every day and have more of a weekend coming up.

Things feel different today, and for that I'm fucking grateful. I'm friendlier, less anxious, busier, optimistic, able to find the right word most of the time, less resentful, and not depressed. Today, I took the kids to school and picked them up (and they each had time devoted to them), the dog got walked (twice), I rode my bike to campus and back, I made dinner and did the dishes, fulfilled work responsibilities, and told my wife that I loved her.

Yesterday evening I gave a young guy a ride home from a meeting. He just got suspended from his graduate fellowship and has about a week of sobriety. He was pretty unnerving, to be honest. I encouraged him to come to my home group, where they offer newcomers temporary sponsors. It's a serious group for people serious about the program. He'd heard of the group and thought it sounded too serious. Okay. It confirmed my sense that I'm going to right places.

Oh, yeah, today I have two months of continuous, genuine sobriety. It's cool, very, very cool.

Pacing

2008-09-27T16:52:00.003-04:00

It was a quick, busy week. For the first time in a long time, meeting my son's bus at 3:30 has been really hard to do. But I think I've got a handle on things. I let a hair appointment blow by me, but rescheduled it for today. I've only got about half the writing project done, but there's sill a week more to go. I even replaced a headlight in one of our cars. I've got grading to do and a lawn to mow, in addition to putting in another long day tomorrow, but it will work out, I trust.

As usual, Friday was another big AA day. I relaxed my pace a bit during the day and then met with my sponsor and went to my home group. The meeting's topic was the ninth step. I'm not sure I like the tradition of doing a step meeting at the end of each month, because it's usual only those who always talk who talk at these meetings. But I always learn something. Like people really do the amends, in person. My sponsor and I talked about the fourth step and read about it in "The 12 Steps for Everyone." This book has a particularly sane vocabulary. What I realized most of all yesterday is that I need to be doing the first three steps every day. I need to surrender and stay connected to my spirituality regardless of what's going on. For me, I see these three steps as being my foundation. During our meeting I was doubting things too much, letting myself get in the way too much. "Quiet," I want to say. Stay with your peace of mind.

Candlelight calm

2008-09-24T21:35:00.003-04:00

I've been feeling pretty frantic, and working harder than usual. I didn't make it to a meeting on Monday and then also skipped my usual noon meeting on Tuesday. That's a day and half without a meeting, and I'll admit to feeling a bit adrift. Last night I made it out to a candlelight meeting, which is small and focused on spiritual conditions. It worked.

I calmed down. I spoke (in the dark) about my two-month cycles. How for the past six months I've slipped twice, both at about the two-month interval. As I hit the latest two months I need to be mindful of this cycle. The meeting's topic was on willingness. For me, willingness simply means using the program to stay sober and healthy. What I also spoke about was my reluctance to feel like I "need" the program. I needed the program last night, and there's something in me that recoils from needing anything. I can't trust. But, I said, I needed the program last night and there it was, raw and weird and something I belong to. It felt like a bit of a breakthrough. My voice cracked and was strained, but I tried to simply let my emotion be out there. I think this is really the crux about my struggle to be honest. I'm afraid of the emotion that arises when I try to speak about things.

Today, my voice also broke. The guy giving the lead had an amazing sense of class awareness, someone aware of having been working class, smart and fucked up, who slowly worked his way into a PhD program in his forties. He even had a bottom-feeding job similar to my own period as a nurses aid, while taking drugs and generally being miserable. The only difference is that he found the program long before I did, and as I acknowledged this my voice hiccuped and broke with emotion. It's frightening. There are colleagues and neighbors at this meeting, people whom I would normally hide from.

Yet I feel really connected to the program tonight. It can help keep me sober. And happy.

Aphorisms

2008-09-21T21:07:00.002-04:00

There are a lot of aphorisms in AA, as most people know. Little slogans and slayings that encapsulate certain truths about working the program. Easy Does It. One Day at a Time. Get a sponsor. Sit down, shut up and listen. Fake it til you make it (this was a big one for me). Most of sayings I hear daily aren't as cut and dry, but I also don't remember them as well. Tonight's meeting was about these little nuggets of wisdom that get passed around like currency. See lots of them here.

I talked about my own experience with the phrase "Keep Coming Back." I've brought this up before, how at my first meeting they said "keep coming back" at the end and I thought they were talking directly to me. I was having a horrible day, and it really brightened my spirits. And then in subsequent meetings I realized that it's said all the time at meeting's end. I still like the phrase, though. It suggests the tolerance and open-endedness of AA, while at the same time it demands your willingness to keep coming back. I think it's this willingness, to keep going to meetings, to be honest, to stay sober that affects me most of all. It's certainly something I struggled with in my early days, and the more willing I've become the easier it's become. Someone also brought up a fragment from the third-step prayer, "relieve me of the bondage of self." I say this to myself every day, throughout the day. It means that I shouldn't be so self-conscious, that I needn't be selfish and think only of myself, that, quite frankly, it's not all about me. It also reminds me not to be isolated, that I don't need to curl protectively around myself.

On Friday I told my sponsor that I was feeling a lot more comfortable with the third step--"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood it"--and that I wanted to begin making plans for the fourth. Tonight, it occurred to me that I'm not having much trouble accepting the spiritual component of the program. It really works for people, many of whom are agnostic like me. And then I was thinking that I've come to a point where I'm, like, fuck yeah, I want to turn my will over to a higher power. Whatever it takes to be sober.

As someone else mentioned tonight. Meetings and prayer, meetings and prayer, whether you're an atheistic asshole or a god-fearing asshole. Meetings and prayer.

Stress bump

2008-09-20T21:34:00.003-04:00

It's been a while since I've had a stress pimple on the nape of my neck, but there it is signifying the urgency in recent days. Today I graded papers for 10 fidgety, unshowered hours and I'm still only half way done with this week's grading. Monday I meet with the person I'll be writing for, and save for getting to classes I'll be trying to dedicate my time to the writing project.

How does the program work in all of this? Well, after finishing work about 6:30 I ate dinner with the family, took the kids and dog to the park, cleaned the kitchen, mopped, put new sheets on our beds, and now I'm running Office updates on my basement computer. It's been a long, mostly unpleasant day. But I don't feel resentful or angry. I wish my myopic eyes were focusing better, but I don't feel bad about things. In fact, my kids had a great day with their mom. And mom herself is looking awfully cute in a T-shirt. Being sober means I can rebound better from days like this. It means that I can move on to the next day without trauma and trust that I'll be ready to meet the day tomorrow (in truth, I still wonder - there were lots of awful mornings). No worries tonight.

Emotion of an emotion

2008-09-19T22:38:00.001-04:00

I got the writing job and I'm being paid more than I've ever made, but it's most likely a one-time deal and it will be very challenging. I'll be writing in a high profile genre that I haven't done before, and it all has to be done in the next two weeks. On top of forty some papers to grade over the next few days, it's going to be intense. I just have to show up and stay humble. Yeah, and find more time in the day.

My home group meeting tonight was equally intense. Someone had just experienced a freak, alcohol-caused death and so much of the meeting was taken up with tragic events. I know that it happens all the time, but getting that much concentrated sadness in one room is a little overwhelming. Clearly, people find the tools in AA helpful. What struck me the most tonight is how much these men strive to stay open, honest, and emotionally healthy. They talk about not wanting to shut down, of striving to be available for family and friends, and of letting themselves feel. To a man I imagine that alcohol was used as a numbing mechanism, and learning to deal with emotion rather than simply try to cover it up is at the center of their program. Oddly enough, my emotions were kind of out of control when I was drinking, but one might call them emotions responding to other more serious emotions. The former seem to provide cover for the latter, but eventually, if one keeps drinking, they take on a life of their own.

Of course, there are always the small rebellions taking place around the fringes of a meeting, but the assurance of these dudes' engagement is heartening.

Strung a little tight

2008-09-18T20:06:00.002-04:00

Let's see, we just spent about an hour at the park. We chilled; the kids ran and ran. Earlier in the day I had an emotional meltdown with my oldest, with both of us feeling upset and frustrated. Me because he wasn't getting ready for school fast enough; and him because I seemed to have overreacted. Then later, the dentist tried to reschedule his tooth cleaning appointment, which he's had for six months and for which I did lots of work to try to fit in our schedule. I literally growled on the phone, and when they ended up relenting and let us come in the office manager glared at me the whole time. My rep: a guy with an anger problem. I also flipped someone off who made a dangerous cut off on me, and they proceeded to gesticulate with a rage I could not match. All in all, not one of my calmest days. I suppose I'm feeling the stress of everything I've got on my plate, including a possible writing job. I met someone yesterday about the work, but I still don't know how it's going to play out. It's a little more high profile than I'm used to and I'd need to be as calm as possible next week in order to meet the challenge. A tall order, if today is any indication.

I did get to a noon meeting, where we talked about the eighth step: making an amends list. I was happy with what I talked about. One thing I suggested is that the eighth step seems to have two mechanisms. The first, of course, is about taking responsibility for things you've done and perpetrated. But anticipating the ninth step, I think that the amends list also gets guilt out of the way. There are lots of things I've done that I regret, most especially to everyone I've ever dated and especially to the woman I spent five years with before getting married to AO. These guilts and what they seem to say about me as a person are a good reason to drink. So trying to clear this guilt out seems like a good strategy for staying sober. I've been thinking about the steps a lot. Maybe next month I'll do a fourth step and get moving on them.

Finally, a shout out to my brother-in-law for the good chat today. It was particularly good to tell someone about yet another drunken call I received from an AA friend today. I said to this guy, look, don't call me unless you aren't drinking.

Showing up

2008-09-16T20:07:00.004-04:00

I've been working the program the last two days just to keep my head above water. I'm busy, I'm glad I'm not drinking. Had an important meeting about my dissertation yesterday, for which I worked over the weekend. Tomorrow I have an interview of sorts, for a writing job that I don't know much about. There are good things happening, but I'm also facing up to my drift and procrastination, coming out and admitting it to some people I'll need on my side over the next year or so. I'm also feeling super ambivalent about searching for a full-time academic position. I don't really want to move, nor does my wife want to lose the good job she has here. The beginning of this semester has been a whirlwind like no other for the past couple of years. What a difference sobriety makes.

Attended a noon meeting yesterday and today. Talked in both. During yesterday's meeting, which turned into a first-step meeting, I shared about how I thought I'd gained so much by being able to quit smoking pot and doing cocaine, acid, and other shit so many years ago. About my triumph over cigarettes. Only to have the creeping progression of alcoholism get the best of me the last few years. Get the best of me? How about gulping from a fifth of vodka on the drive home, thinking that I was hiding it. I spoke today about how I'm facing up to some of the things I've been putting off. How I'm trying not assert control over things or anticipate their outcomes. I'm just trying to show up.

UPDATE: A shout out to my wife who chaired her first al-anon meeting today. You bet I'm grateful.

David Foster Wallace

2008-09-14T00:10:00.004-04:00

Wow. The writer David Foster Wallace was found dead after hanging himself on Friday. He was 46 years old, only three years older than me. I've thought recently about his "big novel" Infinite Jest because one of its subthemes is A.A. Clearly, Wallace was fascinated with what happens in A.A. meetings, even though he claimed not to have been an alcoholic (I think he went only to open meetings). I'm surprised he committed suicide. Who knows?

UPDATE: Read an A.A.- inflected obit here.

Turning things over

2008-09-13T13:44:00.004-04:00

Not sure what to write today - I've got other work to do, but I know it's also important to stay current here. Met with my sponsor yesterday, went to my home group last night, and to a 9 a.m. meeting this morning. I'm thinking a lot about trust. It's easy for me to start feeling alienated and paranoid, and I've been trying to keep these feelings in check. I do get unnerved about fellow AAers, I don't always trust my sponsor, and I haven't been feeling comfortable enough to speak up. I know of other AAers who suffer from anxiety and fear, and I'm trying to follow their spiritual approach to things. But when I see selfish behavior in meetings, or when regulars are always checking out of meetings early or, like the woman next to me this morning, come to meetings regularly reeking, it's hard to know what to think. It's not my business, of course. At the same time it seems like people are infuriatingly upbeat and I feel like I shouldn't ever share my doubts lest I bring everyone down.

I think a lot of this has to do with pride and ego. With humility and willingness the hyper self-consciousness and fear will fade. My sponsor is actually trustworthy. I just want him to tell me that I'm the greatest, like how I might talk to one of my kids. I want people to love me in meetings, but if I'm not putting anything out, like my honesty and care for others, they aren't very likely to even see me. So it's the willingness to let go of my pride and ego that I need to be thinking about right now. Still at steps two and three, still trying to turn things over.

Old heads

2008-09-11T22:36:00.004-04:00

I've been trying to make it to the Thursday evening meeting on a regular basis, because it feels like a meeting I should like. The verdict is still out.

For one thing, it's hard to get to a six o'clock meeting when I barely have time to turn the kids over and get a dinner ready to serve before I need to be there. Although tonight I heard a good lead, someone who continued to smoke a lot of pot and do acid even after he was sober - in his forties. Over the past five months, I've been trying to make similar arguments about what kind of sobriety I'm willing to have. (I'm not arguing anymore about how unfair it is that I can't ever have a drink; surreptiously swilling beer in a French basement kitchen was convincing enough.) Tonight's lead eventually stopped arguing with the program. And you can tell that even an old head can find peace and grace in sobriety.

But it's also a hard meeting, in particular, because the social dynamic is always a little confusing, as though I don't belong with the cool kids. It was worse tonight because there were quite a few old heads there, all who grew up in town. And they sort of starting trading "back-in-the-day" stories - not the lead, mind. But some others. "Oh, yeah, I remember when I was in jail with Shorty." I came away from the meeting without much spiritual sustenance. It happens. Every meeting is different.

Tomorrow is another busy day. I have to attend a couple of classes and prep for an important meeting on Monday. For tonight I just want to say, "relieve me of the bondage of self." And that I'm grateful there are people in my personal and professional lives that still have some faith in me.

Oh boy, so busy

2008-09-09T20:44:00.002-04:00

I suppose it's a good thing that I've started to do work after the kids are in bed. It's a sign that sobriety is accomplishing what it should. And it makes me simply too busy to drink. There's more to it than that, though. Given all that I've got going on and the stimulus of being in classes all week, the last thing I'd think of doing right now is getting loaded. My biggest worry is getting so wound up that my insomnia comes back. (It's good that I resisted having a final expresso at 5 p.m. today.) Our sleep is already broken up by the kids. I felt so good, doing the house dad thing, worrying about the future, but able to chill out generally when I needed to. No more chilling out now. Hopefully, some of this urgency will translate into getting more work done on the diss. Certainly, the slings and arrows of being on the job market is going to make me feel more deeply guilty.

I have a few tools now. I've got to let go of at least some of the anxiety about the future and how my sorry, procrastinating ass will be perceived by fellow academics. I've got a new article out in a mainline journal, after all, even though it's also true that I'm working on something like my twelfth year of grad school (with stops, of course, to work full time and have children). And I have to be willing to keep trying at this bizarre professional life I've chosen, just as I've become more willing to change the direction of my life.

Went to an exquisitely weird noon meeting. Chairing the meeting was the aetheistic hard ass that everyone loves to hate. The problem with him is that he acts as though everyone disagrees with him. As usual, I've spent part of the day obsessed and paranoid about what I said in the meeting. "Was it right?" "Was it smart?" "Was it true?" "Was my emotion obvious?" It doesn't really matter. The problem is that what I think about the program changes so much from day to day. Today I said that I see only one rule for myself in the program. Don't drink. That's it. Of course, there's so much more I'm trying to follow. But that's the only absolute. The rest of the program is sort of mysterious to me. A big part of it is going to meetings, of course. And since the topic today was on the unity of the fellowship, I'd say I was on topic. Sometimes I'm floored when I imagine all these meetings taking place all over on any given day. If you think about what it takes for all of these people to come together in a loose sort of unity, with a common welfare in mind, it's pretty mind blowing. Consider my mind blown tonight.

Doing the steps

2008-09-08T20:44:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I had a back and forth with my brother-in-law about getting a full fourth step done. Here's where I ended up:

It seems to me that the fourth step should be ongoing, that one should always be working through the issues with one’s character defects. When I did 4-7 before France it didn’t really release me from my defects, just like the deflation I felt after being baptized at 12 years old. I didn’t feel ANYTHING. Now I find myself thinking and working through these defects daily: especially the things that keep me from concentrating or that I use as an excuse to procrastinate.

I think in some ways I’m doing 3 and 7 all the time right now, like I’m living them. As I was saying to my sponsor on Friday, I’m trying to stay calm, not overwhelmed, balanced, away from paranoia and irrational thoughts. I'm trying to avoid controlling everything and remain aware of a higher power (life force). I was wound up last week, but I was talking about it and going to meetings. This is all good stuff and not the way I was dealing with things before. I’ll formalize this process soon, but it seems like I’d be forcing it right now. At the very least, I’ve got some true sobriety going on right now and I don’t want to get too impatient.

Today was a Monday and a bit more challenging. Working with courses is wiping me out and I'm not sure how to manage these days better. Went to a meeting last night whose topic was "serenity." I left feeling incredibly relaxed and ready for the week. At today's noon meeting, after being on campus all morning, I felt wiggy and out of it. I think being there ultimately brought me down a notch, but while reading "how it works" to the group I was out of body with stress. We're all tired this evening, but we made a great farmer's market vege meal and went to the park together to play and walk the dog.

Who we really are

2008-09-06T10:11:00.004-04:00

The last two days have been busy, but I also went to three meetings, met with my sponsor, and had a substantial chat with a fellow academic I've seen in some meetings the past month. I also received a phone call yesterday morning from my relapsing friend, who called while I was in a class. I didn't get him when I called back, but my sponsor talked to him. He was apparently holed up in his apartment, with a bottle in his hand, threatening to kill himself. My sponsor called the authorities to try to get him hospitalized. We went by later to his apartment and there was no answer at his door. It's messy, to be sure, and with all my commitments I just don't know what I can do. He refuses to go to meetings, and if I were him I'd be going morning, noon, and night.

I'm still working on trusting the fellowship and my sponsor. Which means, I think, that I'm developing more trust. I hope. I do believe that the practice of attending meetings and speaking to my sponsor puts me in touch with a working higher power. I've got five weeks now and this time I've been completely sober. No anti-anxiety drugs or sleeping pills. No pot. Nothing. It feels fragile, though I don't really think about using. There's always someone to talk to or something to do, even when my anxiety and fear builds up. It's working, umm, one day at a time.

The person I talked to for a while last night is doubting the efficacy of the program more than me. His (tenured) success is still intact, and I think he wonders whether it's worth the bother to work the program. I feel differently and much more humble. "To those who have made progress in A.A.." the 12 & 12 says, "humility amounts to a clear recognition of what and who we really are, followed by a sincere attempt to become what we could be." I'm ashamed by how little I've accomplished -- I'm grading papers, for christsakes -- but that's how it is -- for now, at least.

So hot

2008-09-03T19:04:00.003-04:00

I'm wiped out tonight. Attended the courses I'm TA'ing, went to a noon meeting, and got the kids to school and back. BB (big boy) is getting hysterical every time he's asked to do his homework, so weathered that storm this afternoon. The worst aspect of the day was the heat. 95 degrees with 93% humidity. I get soaked just walking a couple of blocks in such heat, and managing my wet clothes and getting to two different classes was unpleasant. Even worse, classrooms (in the humanities) are only weakly air conditioned and generally overcrowded. This too shall pass. I'll be complaining about the cold in December.

My sponsor gave a lead today in the meeting I attended, although if I hadn't shown up I wouldn't have known. Aren't I supposed to know about such things, especially since I'm his only sponsee actually working the program right now? I shared a bit after his lead, but in keeping with the difficulty of the day my mind futzed out a minute or so in, and I sort of trailed off in the midst of confusion. Then I had to leave early to get to my afternoon class. I did call my sponsor to admonish him a bit, and he claimed to have forgotten about it until this morning. Yeah, yeah, I guess I'll accept that.

I'm still working the third step. Besides attending meetings and mindfully working on sobriety I feel like I need to set aside more time for spiritual concerns. I feel closer to finding a sort of loose spirituality in my life, but I still wince at the idea of prayer and God. I mean, I'm getting by with a kind of amorphous life force as a higher power, but I haven't been able to make this faith work in my daily life. On a day like this when my anxiety is getting the best of me I want to be able to find some strength in my spiritual condition.

Family values

2008-09-02T21:21:00.003-04:00

I've been having trouble keeping up with my journaling here. There's a lot going on, but in many ways it's simply normal life - sober normal life. What occurred to me today, as I met with the person I'll be TA'ing for and went to see my gastro doctor, is how remarkably different I feel. I got a bit wound up today and wasn't entirely "on," but I rebounded quickly. In the noon meeting, I actually talked much more about the event that sent me into AA meetings, including the three police cars outside my house at the moment of ignominy. I'm grateful to be sober and I'm grateful that I don't really think anymore about how much I might like to drink. In part, this comes from continually trying to stay honest - especially at meetings and with my wife and my sponsor.

Being with my sons also reminds me how happy I am to be sober. Second son has a habit of asking for sips of anything I'm drinking, from water and juice to soda. It's irritating, certainly, but I'm grateful that he can drink anything I might be drinking. More seriously, first son was out of sorts tonight. He was kind of spastic, doing little borderline challenges and developing some justified resentments. We held the line tonight as he whined and complained, but I was also very compassionate with him. I read to him a bit more tonight and snuggled a bit with him a bedtime (his mom does most of this kind of snuggling). Being in first grade isn't easy, especially when you have a proclivity (already!) to want to bend the world to your will. I'm reminded that I need to be mindful about giving him the right kind of attention, rather than just playing some form of the heavy. Too many times when I drank I felt resentful of his (and other family) needs.

What changes! Ten years ago I never would have foreseen that I'd have kids and have the privilege of working on staying sober.

Rusted bolts

2008-08-30T22:44:00.003-04:00

I can illustrate how the last day has gone with one image. At 8 p.m. tonight I was out mowing the lawn. I've been busy, but, more importantly, I never mowed lawns in the evening as a drinker. 8 p.m. was my witching hour, usually spent in some form of a walking swoon. Now with the lawn done I don't have to pay attention to the lawn cult for the rest of the weekend.

Today, not only did I go to a 9 a.m. meeting, I spent a long, lazy morning at the farmer's market with the family, where we saw lots of our friends with kids. Number one and I then did a bunch of errands, like recycling some fluorescent bulbs and a stop for treats and caffeine at Starbucks. I even began trying to take off some rattling heat shields on one of the cars. It didn't go well, but I don't care. It's up on jack stands for the night (a Subaru with a "Homebirth Mom" sticker on blocks!), and I hope to rent a Sawzall-like tool tomorrow to cut through some rusted bolts.

I'm probably pushing it too hard. Last night I had trouble going to sleep and then I was up really early this morning writing some notes on my work. I didn't sleep much after that; the kids and the dog piled into our bed at the usual weekday wake-up time. Now I'm still feeling a bit wired. I suppose there's a certain amount of excitement with the semester beginning. Next week, I'll be working in the classroom for the first time in two years and setting up times to tell my committee once again that I hope to be done with the dissertation in a few months. Maybe this time I can finally follow through with my goals. Defending the dissertation would be a huge (A HUGE) coup, regardless if I end up working outside of academia.

I'll be going back to the Sunday evening meeting tomorrow. I haven't been for a month or so to this particular meeting, but my neighbor across the street whose home group it is came over while I was working on the car and just happened to mention that he'll be celebrating his sobriety date. Yes, I think, I have no fear that my worlds are crossing into each other and I'm so happy to be a part of this community.

Woo woo

2008-08-29T10:22:00.006-04:00

I should have five months of sobriety this week. Instead, due to my slips in France, I have one month today. But it's one day at a time. I AM so relieved and happy to have a month continuous sobriety. Later today I'll meet with my sponsor and attend my home group.

I'm a little wound up today. A late opportunity to TA two literature courses came my way this week, so I'm going to take it. What's nice is that I won't have full responsibility for the courses, but it will be a big time commitment, further compressing my writing schedule. It will be good to be back in the classroom, especially because I'll be chasing more elusive academic jobs this fall. Now, if I can just get my last chapter done as well.

I'm looking into doing some kind of meditation therapy. I've poked around the local resources and it's hard to tell what's legitimate and what isn't. But considering all the shit that came piling out of me yesterday during my osteopathic treatment, it's seems like a good idea. I want a little more woo woo in my life.

Pure junkie shit

2008-08-28T15:09:00.004-04:00

Went to noon meetings yesterday and today. Spoke at both. Heard another scary lead (coming out of a blackout while driving) and read about the fifth step in the 12 & 12. I also talked with my sponsor for a half hour or so, which was great. And realized why I felt a little off yesterday: I forgot to take my daily 5 mg of Lexapro. Fucking stuff. I'm looking forward to being strong enough to quit it as well.

During yesterday's lead I was reminded why vodka is just about the worst. My sorriest moments came during my (somewhat) brief vodka phases. Drinking vodka is to alcoholism what heroin is to a drug user: pure junkie shit. And you can be sure that while I was sipping my wine recently in France I was thinking more and more about getting my hands on some vodka - which is not as easy as you think. Good thing. In any case, what it reminds me most is how sick and unmanageable my drinking had become and what it would become if I pick up a drink again.

The students are back in town, which means they show up at meetings (closed meetings!) to get their little slips signed or stamped and then sneak out half way through. Most long-termers seem to pretend that they are invisible. I don't think the University admin should require visits to an AA meeting for getting popped with a bottle. Maybe they should visit jail or something. An AA meeting is about hope and grace, and these students are sent to meetings like we're supposed to scare them straight.

I saw my naturopath today and talked for a good part of my osteopathic treatment. I don't think he minds. In fact, I really like his feelingly intellectual thoughts on most things. But he's not a therapist and shouldn't be expected to be when someone gets all funky and relaxed on his table and begins to talk about the hard death of his mother-in-law - as I did today. Are there therapists out there who use guided meditation? Psychoanalysis might be the answer, since it involves a couch and very little direct advice.

I said at today's meeting that the fifth step seemed to involve magic or something like it. I don't really understand it. But when people talked about the step as a lifelong process I understand it better. It's really about letting go of isolation and shames and fears. Of sharing them to temper their power. I think I started this process when I began to see a therapist about 3 years ago. My how afraid I was at that time to share my sordid past.

More good things

2008-08-26T22:34:00.003-04:00

1. Rode bike to campus again. check
2. Opened my current dissertation chapter and started to do some work. check
3. Went to a noon meeting and shared for a few minutes. check
4. Took my oldest for a haircut. check
5. Made dinner (tuna burgers, potatoes, farmer's market summer squash). check
6. Walked sober dog. check

Today's meeting topic was fear. I'm afraid of everything, and I've felt deep dread and fear since I was a kid. I'm working on feeling less fear, refusing to let it be debilitating, so today's meeting was interesting. One way I've let fear rule is the panic I've felt about my dissertation. I just couldn't even face opening the word document. It meant misery, insecurity, potential failure, and on and on. Then sinking further into alcoholism meant I was even more of a failure. I ended my share by talking about how a healthy fear (of fucking my life up even more) drives me to stay with the program. What's important about the program, though, is that it gives me some tools (a solution!) for dealing with this fear of becoming worse and more fucked up.

One distraction. There's a snarky crew of thirty something boys who go to some of the meetings I attend. They tend to implicitly cross talk and could use lots more humility, so I find them irritating. Today, I felt a sort of rebuke from one of them. I had spoken about my long-term dread and how using helped to temper this dread. He said, "I didn't drink to do anything other than get drunk. It wasn't because I was scared or insecure or unhappy. I drank simply to get drunk." I suppose this is consonant with the big book. But we wouldn't be expected to work on ourselves and our spiritual condition through the steps if it were simply a matter of not drinking. That's the first step, but changing the way we view and experience the world is the only way to sustain sobriety. To deal with fear in other ways. This is my counter rebuke.

I doubt, though, he was speaking directly to me. But I don't think he was right. And I find his snark really threatening, especially when it appears to mock the covenant of trust in meetings.

Things making me happy

2008-08-25T20:08:00.003-04:00

Rode my bike to campus and then downtown. Checked my department mail, and found a journal issue with an article by me in it and a published book that I had proofread for a friend. Went to a good noon meeting, and was amazed once again how much emotional support I get from these meetings. Saw the spouse for a few minutes at the coffee house. Had some real quality time with my boys. Made dinner, which was heartily eaten by everyone. Took the dog and the family on a walk to the park (son one disappeared into a culvert from which is he now banned). Watered the garden at dusk, with the dog beside me happily ripping into a new (yard sale) stuffed animal. Now I'm going to get the dinner dishes done. I am completely and utterly sober. It's been a good day.

Simple form of the higher power

2008-08-24T09:09:00.000-04:00

From my Hazelden daily email a few days ago:

Whether or not we believe in God, Most of us recognize that we don't live entirely independently. The phrase "a power greater than ourselves," from Step Two, is a reminder to me that I don't run the universe. Whatever I believe about God's existence, I have to accept that I myself am not God - if I'm going to recover. I can't control my addiction on my own. Willpower stopped working for me some time ago; I owe this newfound willingness to recover to someone or something that isn't my intellect or will.

Those who reject traditional concepts of God can still point to something inside - what some call their "better self," their "sense of right and wrong," their "higher self," or their "spirit" - that got them here. The desire for wholeness has somehow proved stronger than the impulse toward self-destruction.

Exactly! Just the process of becoming a parent in my thirties set me up to better learn this lesson.

Bleeding addicts

2008-08-23T13:06:00.002-04:00

I dreamt that I was working in a dirty, cavernous underground space. It felt like the industrial printer I worked at in Seattle, where the clatter of folding machines drowned out the big presses a floor above (and where everyone smoked in spite of all the NO SMOKING signs). Except the dream space was much dirtier and scary with cobwebed scaffolding climbing toward the ceiling. What was most disturbing were the IV addicts who I kept trying to stay away from. They were bleeding onto the floor, creating puddles of bright blood everywhere.

There are obviously some dark places in my brain. As a few people said in the meeting last night, there are places in our minds that we just shouldn't go. I went back to sleep, and am thankful that at least it wasn't me shooting up and bleeding in my dream.

Deflated, a bit

2008-08-22T19:54:00.003-04:00

Met with my sponsor today. I floated this distinction between MY program and THEIR program and he wasn't so impressed. I guess, it might be more healthy to say I want to make THEIR program MINE. The topic at my home group meeting tonight was on isolation, and in this context it gets a little tricky if I'm insisting that it's MY program. I really feel the special vibe at this men's meeting. The fellowship is geared to be an antidote to isolation and, to be frank, I really feel loved there. I had a great talk with my sponsor as well.

Now, must join the family. I am SO grateful to be sober today.

Following the lead

2008-08-21T19:24:00.003-04:00

The meeting room tonight was full, hot, and stuffy and the fat, fidgety guy next to me kept farting. But I got to hear a remarkable lead. Someone who got sober young and overcame some pretty harrowing stuff as a child. I loved her irreverent yet completely serious approach to the program. She went through each step, giving her experience with them and her personal flavor and interpretation on the steps. She also approached the spirituality in the program in a non-religious way that I can relate to.

Two things occurred to me. One is that my two "slips" (my sponsor's word) should always be seen through the lens of my character defects. I've tiptoed around the most important one, which is a failure to commit, the desire to always leave myself an out. I could go into the roots of this defect, which may have served a good purpose earlier on, but it's not only a threat to my sobriety. It makes itself felt in my failure to complete my dissertation (and my too tentative argument in my last chapter), my inability to experience more interconnectedness with people, etc. etc.

Two, the lead's example crystalized a thought I've had recently. Given my skepticism, the program is only going to work if it's MY program. It works differently for different people. I'm willing to do uncomfortable things, but I also don't think it's going to work if it's too programmatic. The only requirements, as I see it, are that I not drink and that I stay connected to the program (through meetings and the fellowship). So I don't belong to a strong AA clique right now or I don't always get to a meeting every day and I haven't really begun to do any service work. My sponsor doesn't even like me to call him every day. What's important is that I wanted (and felt like it was important) to go to all the meetings I went to this week. I certainly wanted and thought it was important not to drink or do some pills (those pernicious motherfuckers) this week. I also tried my best to treat my kids and my wife with kindness and respect. I'm looking forward to going to my weekly home group tomorrow night. And I'm more and more conscious of my spiritual condition. I want to be a better, more generous and kind person. I think a lot of people (OK, maybe it's just me) struggle with the notion that they'll have to flatten themselves out to be in the program, change some core part of themselves that they value. I probably won't cease to be a skeptical and restless person. But I also feel a spiritual peace and contentedness at some meetings that kind of blows my mind. I'm sure it's a force for good in my life and I want to keep coming back.

In short: If it's THEIR program, I'm going to end up drinking at some point (and fuck 'em, right?). If it's MY program, I'm not going to want to drink.

Breath

2008-08-21T11:52:00.002-04:00

My work with the naturopath is in part intended to establish a better connection between my mind and body. Today we worked more on breath. I hadn't really understood that attention to breathing is not about controlling my breath (at least right now) but simply being aware of it. He thinks that by becoming comfortably aware of it I can not only produce a better consciousness of my body (my primal life), but help curtail my anxiety and improve my immune system. I haven't ever really been able to meditate. I haven't really taken the time or made the effort, even though I've always intended to. Rather than just tell me to meditate like so many people have done, the naturopath wants me simply to stop for 10 minutes twice a day and become conscious of my breathing.

I have to say that what was most notable today was my sense of recoil from acknowledging my breath. I feel at war with it, as though I'm frightened of what it implies. And I try to impose control over my breathing, which makes me end up feeling like I'm choking, like a fish out of water. I don't want to acknowledge my breath's centrality as a source of life, as though it makes me too mortal. Feeling like I'm choking is also one of the key symptoms of my anxiety (along with pain in the chest and mental confusion). Acceptance of my breath and its involuntary character, the naturopath reminded me, coincides with 12-step principles.

He's mentioned numerous times that my diaphragm is contracted and tight (and I do often experience pain in my upper belly), and he's encouraging me to think as a mantra: "soft belly, loose ribcage." He also wants me to repeat the words "calm, relaxed, grounded, whole, complete."

I really do feel something fundamental taking place during my visits with the naturopath. Not only do I emerge very relaxed, but it gives me more hope and confidence about my emotions, my health, and my being in the world. When I focus on my breathing I actually do feel well-being radiating through my body.

Home improvement

2008-08-20T20:58:00.002-04:00

Spent the last couple days re-staining a deck and today I tackled some outside stairs that were a mess when we moved in. Now they're so bad I've simply been avoiding them. I was scraping and sanding all day, and with the rise in temperature and hot sun today I'm wiped out. Just had to crash out for a while after dinner and I should just head to bed after posting this. Whew!

I did make it to a noon meeting today. The lead was by someone with 20+ years of sobriety and she basically introduced a topic with her lead: how does one stay on track after so many years? She did bring up an interesting point. Long-termers feel that they should have everything figured out; after all, staying sober for so long must bring serenity and understanding. But it shouldn't come as a surprise that long-term sobriety isn't a magic bullet. There is an assumption in meetings, though, that they have their shit together. The lead went a little further, though. Clearly, she's really depressed right now. She showed little affect during the meeting, and talked at length about her struggle to get out of bed. Not exactly a glowing endorsement of the program. But an important topic, nonetheless.

I wanted to say, as someone with new sobriety, "I think this shit works." Meetings calm me down, sobriety has me finally on a healing trajectory, and I feel like I might be able to deal with all this stuff that is about to go down in my life (including another academic job search). As someone I know said afterward, "I can't wait to get out of bed in the morning." I kind of agree.

We talk more about God

2008-08-18T21:39:00.003-04:00

I have a cold. I got a lot done today. We've been focused on getting some maintenance done on the house, and today I cleaned a carpet and prepped the deck for refinishing. By the end of the week, though, I hope to be back on a writing schedule. Even with a cold my energy is better than it's been, suggesting that the mono may be fading.

Went to a noon meeting, where the topic was, once again, the third step: "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him." Every meeting I've been to in the past week and half has been on some variant of this step. I realize how essential this step is to the program. As the 12 and 12 explains, this step requires the willingness to turn our will over to a higher power. For me, this means the willingness to embrace the path set forth in the steps wholeheartedly. BUT. But I really find the God stuff difficult (I think I'm getting a reputation as a skeptic). The God of my youth, as embodied by the assholes in church and at school, was a petty, immature God who condemned anything thoughtful or creative. A chafing, rebellious freak like me was a lost cause. What I remember most about this God was the fear. The fear of going to hell, of being visited by Satan, of his second coming before I had a chance to live a little. The religion in which I was raised (Seventh Day Adventists) had a horrible fascination with persecution, like the early Christians being thrown into the Roman arena with lions. They were certain that the government and its paramilitary would eventually hunt them down for worshiping on Saturday.

They were wrong, of course, about who the government would eventually hunt down. What is important is the fear all of this instilled in me and how reluctant I am to embrace another type of God. I actually agree with the program that something like the concept of a higher power is essential. After all, what I've chased in my chemical use is a feeling of reverie that felt spiritual. The key here is crafting a spirituality that I'm comfortable with. It makes so much sense when people talk about their spiritual condition. I know just what they mean and how important it is for me to cultivate a positive and vibrant and loving state of being.

What I said today in the meetings is that I'm grateful that the program is based on a spiritual practice. I've been seeking relief from the condition of living for a long time and it really does seem weirdly serendipitous that I've found a way to finally quit drinking and a meaningful practice in one package.

I have a good sponsor

2008-08-16T19:53:00.003-04:00

Yesterday evening we had a very satisfying little birthday celebration for my wife. After the weird chaos of the day, it was a relief. I went to a 9:00 a.m. meeting today. These Saturday meetings are enormous, at least for my little college town. There are some really smart (and funny) people attending. There's also lots and lots of long-term sobriety and the topics tend to reflect this. Today's topic was centered on the twelfth step and how to live a 12-step life. In general, this meant that the people who talked were basically talking about specific circumstances and how these reflected (or not) a 12-step existence - one of love, serenity, confidence, hope, and tolerance is what I gathered from the discussion. More and more I feel like these alcoholics are the enlightened ones, because they've each had to face a reckoning and as a result of the program have become mindful of their behaviors, affects, and character defects.

I spoke with my sponsor for a good hour after the meeting. We talked some about my visit with the wasted dude yesterday, about my wrestling with willingness (which came up earlier in the week), and his recent experience of the changes he's undergone as a result of the program. It's made him a better person, and someone able to withstand the setbacks of regular life (like bad department heads, tenure, and the malevolent judgment of others). In case it isn't clear by now, I've arranged my life in order to avoid these judgments, but come they must if I'm to do anything more with my life.

Hopefully, my friend from yesterday is in jail by now for violating the terms of his probation. I haven't really thought about such things in my adult life, but I think jail will help him step off his runaway train and keep him from harming himself or someone else. My sponsor really helped me deal with this today.

Icky situation

2008-08-15T14:31:00.003-04:00

A fellow AA'er called me this morning and I ended up going by his place to see if I could help him stay sober. I've seen him a couple of times this week and he was talking about feeling down and disconnected. Turns out he was completely wasted this morning. I didn't want to assume anything, but after awhile it became clearer and clearer that he was drunk, really drunk. Evidently, he's had some practice maintaining a happy face while drinking. I should have left then, but I wanted to try to get him to a meeting. Long story short, he fell down the some shallow stairs and although I stayed for a while after that I started making plans to extricate myself from the situation. The worst thing is knowing that he was able to manipulate me to stick around because I was empathizing with him. But there's one thing I know about growing up with an alcoholic: they'll burn you every time, without fail. I'd like to help, but not until he hasn't had anything to drink. If I never have to be around "vodka reek" again in my life I'll be happy.

I talked it over a bit with my sponsor this afternoon. Now I just want to stop thinking about it.

Willingness

2008-08-14T20:50:00.003-04:00

I had a much better day today. Everything went like clockwork, buses were on time, daycares were open, and kids were happy. I even made it to a noon meeting, where we read the third step in the 12 & 12. Like last night's meeting, it seemed like a discussion spiritual practice was exactly what I needed to hear. The God stuff can be confusing at times. I mean, a higher power can be anything you want, but the literature does lapse into a use of God very quickly. So I don't know what I think about people trying to understand God's will, but taking the time to understand God's will illustrates for me the way that I can take moments of pause and practice mindfulness, which fits into exactly what I've been envisioning for myself. I'm convinced that these practices can make me a better person.

During the meeting I talked about my two trips and my lapses. It feels like what I've been calling the "sober routine" is working well. I try to go to a meeting everyday, I'm surrounding myself with sober references, and if I'm feeling wobbly I call my sponsor. When my life is good right now being sober makes it great, and if it's not going so well I'm working toward being a different kind of person. The problem thus far is that when I leave my routines I give myself license to forget what I'm working toward. The answer to this problem occurs in the third step, especially the discussion of willingness, the decision to let go of self-will and self-seeking. The idea of willingness works in a variety of ways, but what willingness means to me right now is the processing of taking the program on faith, committing to it and embracing this new life without reservation. In other words, being willing to not drink - period.

I have 16 days now of continuous sobriety, and better sobriety, I think, than I'd practiced in my two other stints. On this night of my ninth wedding anniversary I'm going to keep feeling good - and eat a chocolate truffle - without feeling guilty about it.

Yelling at the bus driver

2008-08-13T16:38:00.005-04:00

It was proved today that I am not a calm person. My first grader's school bus was over a half hour late today. When it finally came, it was going the wrong direction and stopped at the wrong place. I had a screaming 2 year old in my arms (they hate waiting in one spot for 40 minutes) and when I finally got to the bus the driver claimed that my son wasn't on the bus. I sort of got hysterical for a minute. "You're a messed up woman," I yelled at the driver. Not really a reflection of my goal to find calm serenity. My son was fine, the bus driver was having a harder day than me, and things with the bus are bound to improve. Yet I was so angry and scared that the emotion still hasn't faded.

Tonight's topic was on the 11th step, meditation and prayer. The meeting is an intimate study group, so I was forced to both deal with my intensity as I sat there and to eventually share. I should keep returning to this group if I can get my family life back into a coherent schedule. It was a group I can see wanting to know better, who are, it seems to me, struggling to understand and experience the spiritual dimensions of the program. And, oddly enough, one of my two neighbors in the program was also there, forcing me even more to be the person (open, social, engaged, calm) that I want to be.

I felt really stretched today. If this strange thing of meetings, meditation, and prayer can help me deal with it, I should be doing everything to be a part of it. With my ninth wedding anniversary tomorrow I'm so grateful I didn't seek relief in more alcoholic ways.

First day of school

2008-08-13T10:00:00.002-04:00

I've been busy with the kids and wrapping the summer up. Today is the first day of school for my oldest, already. Both kids didn't have camp or school the last two days, so we've been busy keeping them occupied and engaged. We even went to the zoo yesterday. Today, due to some water main break, my youngest's preschool is closed yet again. This was a little harder to deal with. I've got work to do and planned to get to a noon meeting today. Be in the moment, my sponsor said this morning. So, off to the library we go. I'm planning to go to a new, spiritually oriented meeting this evening instead, one I haven't yet had an opportunity to attend.

Reminder for the day: It's through dealing with crises in appropriate and healthy ways that we learn. I already expressed my displeasure with the daycare ("don't you have some sort of provisional plan?") on the phone and was much too uptight while taking my oldest in for his first day of school. I don't want to have any more angry or manic moments for the rest of the day.

Reasons to stay sober

2008-08-09T16:24:00.003-04:00

1. Great sex

2. Better smelling breath

3. Less paranoia

4. Natural sleep

5. Mellower emotions (at least if I'm not about to leave for France)

6. Moments of well-being

7. The example of other alcoholics. To wit: got a call this afternoon from one of my compatriots. He's off in some nowhere town in a hotel room partying, after being charged with three consecutive DUIs a few months ago. I tried to talk him into coming back to town. That's why he called me, right? I don't know what he's going to do, but he'll end up in jail if comes across any cops. At least in talking to him I reaffirmed my own desire to not drink and the necessity of sober routines.

8. The happiness of my children

9. The fellowship of AA

10. Talking into the night with my wife

Misery doesn't love company

2008-08-08T20:02:00.002-04:00

I'll admit to having been a little uptight about going off to the woods with my son's camp, but it was surprisingly low-key for me. For the kids, that's another story; my son is stumbling off to bed tonight in a daze - 10 p.m. "Capture the Flag" will do that to a six year old. Right now, I'm feeling amazingly relaxed.

Today, met with my sponsor, and went to my Friday night home group. Sponsor: you love misery because you can control negative outcomes; and, you love misery because you're afraid of positive outcomes. Plus, misery gives you an excuse to seek relief through . . . um . . . alcohol. This hit the nail pretty much on the head. My sponsor may not be the perfect conversationalist, but he really does care and every time I've really reached out he's been there. He's also working the program really hard, which I admire. I'm so glad to see him in meetings once or twice during the week.

Tonight's meeting turned into a first step meeting after a newcomer shared about his situation. He was heartfelt and intense, with a high bottom story not unlike my own. It occurs to me that I need to be doing the first step every day. After all, I have a pitifully small 11 days of sobriety right now, and the first step should be constantly on my mind, especially the unmanageable part. During the meeting I was thinking about what passed as manageable when I was drinking: reading a bedtime story for my kid without slurring; walking across the house without weaving; bringing take-out food back to the house without an automobile mishap; making dinner after going through a bottle and a half of wine in the time it takes to get water boiling; avoiding the phone and email and the doorbell; getting up in the morning; dealing with one of my kid's teachers while hungover; stalling in my professional life and having people slowly cease to care; my wife tolerating my fuck ups. And manageability of the highest order: being left alone. Are these not enough to scare me straight?

Camp

2008-08-07T14:12:00.002-04:00

I'm off for an overnight camp with son number one's summer camp. I went out there to set up this morning and ferried five elementary school boys in the van. Needless to say, this isn't something I've ever really done. And the overnight camp, without the spouse, mind you, is something I never would have done before being sober. Driving five boys was pretty wild and gave me a glimpse of the future. One thing of note was the singing. In HBO's new Generation Kill, the soldiers often sing pop songs while moving along in their Humvee. This was just like that, except these were even nastier lyrics, something about shooting off momma's head. Out of context it's pretty horrifying to hear this, but these things are like viruses among the children.

I'll be taking number two out to the camp later, where the spouse will join us for a big camp dinner. I made it to a noon meeting yesterday. There seemed to be a lot of anniversaries being celebrated, including someone with 20 years. This meeting is completely different than my Tuesday noon meeting, with lots of long established sobriety attending. The lead was by someone whose been in and out of the program since the 80's, but currently has under two years of sobriety. A long series of relapses. Something that stuck out for me is the fact that with each relapse things seemed to get worse. Divorces, DUIs, jail time, license suspensions. Now he comes to meetings with a house arrest bracelet on his ankle. It's my impression that people often relapse once they get off probation.

The disease is progressive, the lead repeated. I concur. For years my drinking got in the way, but not to the degree that I felt I needed to change anything. Until the last five years, which featured moments that were worse even than the deepest druggy days of my youth. Off I go then, back to the woods, happy to be sober.

Language

2008-08-06T21:09:00.001-04:00

Quick thought . . .

AA gives one a language in which to articulate thoughts and impulses and feelings. When I first heard a young person speaking in a series of AA cliches it turned me off. Since then, I've been realizing that this AA speak gives people a language that allows them to express many of the things our society sees as verboten.

Live and Let Live

2008-08-05T20:33:00.003-04:00

I saw the naturopath again today, and he talked more about integrating the body and the mind through emotions. I'm doing some mild homeopathy to address my deep-seated fear and anxiety and the practices he recommends are so much in-line with what AA suggests that they feel part of a continuum of healing. I know that the naturopath works with people trying to come off drugs, especially benzos, and it's nice to be so open with someone about one's health, like treating your doctor like a therapist rather than an antagonist serving the profit motives of drug companies. Along these lines, I should mention that my fatigue seems to have lifted some and I'm feeling quite a bit more vitality. I'm taking niacin in place of a statin, my blood pressure has been down without medication, and I'm convinced that the herbal supplements like echinacea are addressing the EBV virus. I'm also approximately ten pounds down, hovering around 190. Is 170 conceivable?

Some of the noon meetings I have available to me are different than most meetings I go to. These are nooners with lots more early sobriety and a remarkable amount of people coming out of jail. The cons are usually using a revolving door, and it's seldom that I see the same person the next week. But, boy, are they full of emotion and intensity. Honestly, I don't think I could not drink after being in jail for a year. It would take some massive power to stay sober and listening to them talk I'm just floored with what they must face. I also feel like I don't have much of anything, at this point, to offer them. They often ask for help - frankly. And I just think, go with the grace of god, you need and deserve it. At the same time, what at first seems like a rather unengaged, tepid meeting can quickly become impassioned and spirited, and I really appreciate what I hear, even though, to me, it sounds like it comes from a very desperate place. But I haven't been willing to make myself that vulnerable and desperate, and there are lessons to be learned from them. They give the meetings a free-for-all character that can be a relief from other meetings where one's civilness and education have more currency. I'm encouraged to be the frightened, inarticulate person that I mostly am, even though doing so is absolute anathema to me.

It makes me think of the motto - "Live and Let Live" - in last night's chapter. Indeed, no need to control, to dominate, to impose. Just be.

Kids even in the topic

2008-08-04T21:17:00.004-04:00

The noon meeting today weirdly began with a topic on change, especially the fear of change as children grow up. Others spoke about their worries about them as well as the anxieties and lessons we learn from our children. It was freaking strange to have a topic so close to what I'd been obsessing about, and when I spoke up I had too many things to say. I spoke about my morning thoughts as well as about how having children both intensified my drinking and made it more obvious and less easy to hide. I even mentioned how traveling, with children, has been my stumbling block so far. Every time I leave my hometown routine I feel like I've been given license to return to using. This seemed to resonate with others, and apparently leaving town is a big problem for others, leading to relapses that can last for months (or years, I guess). I'm grateful that I've been taking the program so seriously since the day I got back. (My son, by the way, had a fine day at camp.)

I also made it to a six o'clock literature study. Oddly, I haven't been to this meeting for three weeks, but they picked up where we left off in the big book the last time I was there. And the chapter was "The Family Afterward," which in spite of its archaic gender assumptions seemed remarkably smart. I may have been more like June than Ward Cleaver, with my nighttime kitchen drinking, but the big book's characteristic "leave-no-stone-unturned" description of potential pitfalls really spoke to me. What struck me most of all in the meeting was how lucky I am to have a wife whose strong, smart, loving, and willing to communicate. As cliched as it seems to me, we really are a family in recovery, and I'm grateful to the big book for drawing a detailed picture of what this means.

The chapter, in its retrospective moments, also described the alcoholic family of my own childhood, from the wife/mother who was forced to wear the "trousers" to the deep resentments that were built up. It makes me think (and remember) how my own six year old has been touched by my alcoholism, and how much it means to me that I've been trying to give him extra attention and love recently.

Drop off

2008-08-04T11:05:00.002-04:00

Since son number one was 2 years old or so I've felt guilty about dropping him off at preschool. At varying levels of intensity I always feel like I'm making a mistake by entrusting the care of my child to others. It's the worry, I guess, about the impersonality of institutions like daycares and schools and how our children navigate these worlds. When we had a part time nanny for son number two I didn't feel this way at all.

This morning, dropping off number two wasn't too hard. He runs in to hug his teachers most days and usually seems enthusiastic to be there. For his part, number one was happy to be at camp, but he seemed adrift this morning. His camp is a small, intimate affair, with a wide range of ages and lots of free time. This has worked out well, but I think his two best friends this summer there have left for vacation. There were some older boys at camp this morning, but none his age. He's very attuned to social hierarchies and situations and I could see how awkward he felt. It seems almost cruel to ask a six year old to bear the burdens of fending for himself in such situations. Or at least I often feel the pain of what it must be like for him. It probably isn't healthy to project this kind of stuff on him, but I often wonder if we've done the right thing to send our kids out into the world at such young ages?

I'm taking my worries and heading off to a noon meeting.

A little tired

2008-08-03T19:13:00.003-04:00

I feel like the crazy week has caught up with me. Stayed up late watching movies with the Spouse the last two nights, but with the kids we are never able to sleep in. A little tired today.

Made it to a meeting yesterday, a great, big discussion meeting. Like many of the meetings in town, many of the members have decades of sobriety. The topic was sponsorship, and I guess my take-away was the incredibly diverse forms sponsorship out there, from best friends to supervisors. I feel like I can hang with my sponsor for now, even though he is a little too hands off for me.

Today, kids were played with, lawns were mowed, school supplies were purchased (only one more week here for son number one), meals made, dog walks taken, parks visited, laundry started, and music listened to (The Bellrays, Wu-Tang remixes, Drive-By Truckers). I am grateful to be sober today.

My oldest seems to be having trouble adjusting to being back. He was pretty ideal while we were traveling, but he's been acting out since we've been back, even at day camp. He's emotional and easily angered. Coupled with the tantrums of his two-year-old brother it doesn't seem like we've made much headway this weekend. I think this happens every time we take away his routine, so we're trying to get everything back to normal. Early bed times tonight for the whole family.

Good meetings

2008-08-01T20:54:00.002-04:00

It was so good to be at a meeting this evening. Coincidentally, the topic was relapsing. And the friday night group really chews on a topic, so I heard what I needed tonight. It kind of opened my eyes to the risks of relapsing, which I haven't really taken seriously. I'm not so bad, I always think. As I'm seeing my own psychology through the experience of others, it's clear that real alcoholics are only a thin line away from fucking everything up (or worse: what comes to mind is the white guy in HBO's "OZ," who ended up in prison for killing someone while under the influence). I mean, I know what the hunger to be fucked up feels like, and how it can overtake everything else. And the worst thing is waking up the next morning and not remembering what kind of fucked up things one actually did. The unthinkable could happen. This meeting sort of unveiled the unthinkable, those things that usually hide behind the blind spots of addiction and rationalization.

Anyway . . . one guy just had the most extraordinary metaphors tonight while he was talking about his relapsing sponsees. Most people need to "rub fenders" with the program before they really get it. He tries to be "another brick in the wall," a "worker among workers" while in contact with those who come in and out of the program. A guy in jail just hit the "jackpot" in a convergence of bad circumstances.

I'm so happy to be going to meetings since getting back. Some weeks so far going to meetings hasn't been so fun, but I've just been so relieved to be in the rooms the last few days that I feel like I can see souls. I also had a brief, but useful conversation with my sponsor, who, in keeping with my mood, I was thrilled to see.

Just a list

2008-07-31T20:19:00.002-04:00

I'm grateful to have made it to a 6 p.m. meeting, with a great lead by someone I see most often in my Friday night men's meeting; for the people at meetings whose perseverance and faith give me hope.

I'm grateful to be in love with my wife, and for my kids' constant sense of humor; for my dog, whose beagle senses come alive on our walks; for the meditative fog this morning; and for getting to be with my children both this morning and this afternoon without thinking about alcohol.

I'm grateful, I guess, for the confusion I'm feeling about what just happened over the past two weeks and for the certitude that I can be sober today; and I am grateful that the trip to France, as enchanted as it was, is over.

Jet lag

2008-07-30T17:25:00.002-04:00

I made it to a noon meeting, which had a wonderful, enlightening lead from someone with 25 years of sobriety. It was an intelligent, caring crowd, and I felt so glad to be back. I spoke briefly to my sponsor as well. He wasn't thrilled to hear about my weaknesses. He was most concerned that I didn't have the power to resist the first drink, which is exactly what happened.

I think the crisis I'm facing now was the same I was facing during the week before I left. I'm having trouble facing the things that need immediate attention, and gnawing failure and panic keep floating back into my consciousness. While I was away most of this urgency faded into the background.

Much of the meeting today was how sobriety eliminated the bite of self-doubt and misery. I'm in need of this so badly myself, and it was reassuring to hear once again that AA is the path to setting things right. I haven't had a drink since Monday, and now that I'm back and feeling all the regular scary feelings I have no intention of having another one. My current conclusion in my blurry, jet-lagged state is that I'm too weak to be far from my AA structure. In part, this means I need to become even more deeply embedded in it, take my surrender to an even more deeper level in a third-step kind of way. I also need at least a year of real sobriety before I go on a trip like this. I remember what it felt like to reach a point where I just didn't want a cigarette. I need to feel this way about alcohol before I take myself so far away again.

One of my questions now is whether I should keep writing this blog since I've relapsed twice since beginning the process. Is it fair to claim that I'm part of AA? Or that I'm working a program? Am I being disingenuous about my feelings and my AA experience? One way to look at this is to acknowledge that being away from the blog (indeed, all of my AA structure) made it very easy to pick up a drink. The blog is part of the apparatus that helps keep me working toward sobriety. But I don't want to be a fraud.

Failure

2008-07-30T10:34:00.002-04:00

I'm so jet-lagged this morning that I shouldn't be writing, but I'm forging ahead anyway.

I failed miserably and intentionally to stay sober while in France. I had wine along with everyone else while I was there. I realize it's bad. That I've failed my program. That I don't have any excuse.

There are facts. Where my wife's father took us was remote (known as "deep France"), at the end of 100 kilometers of tiny country roads. Going to any kind of meeting was out of the question. This was compounded by our circumstances. Traveling with a two-year-old (and his older brother) in a foreign land can be true and utter hell. There were wonderful, blissful moments, but also moments of pure terror, especially in the car, with wincing grandparents and no store for water or snacks in sight. It took both us to manage, with my spouse spending pretty much all her time with the two-year-old. Plus, I ended up doing all the cooking and housekeeping while we were there. I don't want these to be excuses, but they are facts.

I don't think it mattered whether I got to a meeting or not. I just didn't want to deny myself the so-called pleasure of drinking along with everyone else. In truth, of course, it was an empty pleasure. I wasn't able to get wasted, so I was never really satisfied and even now the craving persists. I'll also admit that my anger and resentment contributed to my rationalizations. Being with my wife's family brought many of my present defects to the surface.

Being in France was enjoyable. Where we were in the remote country in which most of the little villages date from the 12th century was enchanted. And I really did keep my shit together. My anxiety subsided, for the most part, and it felt good to be close to my children. What's really hard is everything that exists here at home, and I'm experiencing that sinking, vertiginous feeling with even more urgency - something I didn't have at all while I was away. My defects of immobility and paralysis are hard on my mind. I have to either finish my dissertation or be making money - while doing my usual house dad stuff - and I need the motivation and wherewithal to meet this challenge. This challenge is the biggest threat to my sobriety and one of the most urgent reasons to be sober. Giving in while in France only makes all of this that much harder.

What I do understand, with every part of my being, is that I need AA. I didn't know whether I was going to get myself to the noon meeting today or not, and I think I've now convinced myself to go.

Gratitude

2008-07-18T20:35:00.002-04:00

I'm grateful that I get to go to France tomorrow; that we're staying out in the country in a cottage of our own with a swimming pool; that I get to see medieval castles and prehistoric archeology sites; that I get to go there sober; that I get to be with my family sober; that I'll get to see how a French-language meeting is run. (I've sworn not to chicken out on going to the local meeting in the small town nearby.) Even though my wife's side of the family hasn't really seen me rudely drunk, they know my history and will probably be glad to see the recent changes in our life. I feel like I have enough days to say, yeah, I'm sober.

I'm grateful today that I met with my sponsor to do a quick fourth step (for the Back to Basics meetings) and went to the usual kick ass Friday men's meeting. The tone and takeaway from meetings can be so different. I felt so alienated and depressed after last night's meeting, which was a meeting I had first thought would be my home meeting. At tonight's meeting I felt embraced and understood, and (maybe why it had the magic glow) embraced and understood in turn.

All set, ready or not. I'll mostly be out of range of the internets, so posting will resume by the end of the month.

Reality bites

2008-07-18T11:31:00.002-04:00

It's been a hard week. My emotions have been erratic, I'm anxious and tired, and probably a little depressed. I feel the pressure of traveling to France TOMORROW with two kids.

What's the deal? I'm worried about the trip. In part, I don't even think I want to go. My routine is what keeps me going (or seems to keep me going), so I'm loathe to leave it. Flying off to France with little money and nascent sobriety kind of seems like madness. But as those who know better remind me, I might as well enjoy it now that it's out of my control.

The more I've begun to embrace the program the harder it becomes to face the reality of what's at stake and what I've wrought. Partly, this is coming up because I'm supposed to be working the fourth step this week as part of the quick-step meetings. I may not have been to jail, but I've fucked things up pretty royally. There are consequences to my drift the past few years, and even if alcohol is only a symptom of this drift, not being on alcohol makes it harder to manage to realization that I've been so remiss. We're deep in debt, I haven't been taking care of my professional work, and I've burned lots and lots of bridges. My six year old has developed some emotional responses that look a lot like my own dysfunction. Getting sober is only part of facing up to my responsibilities, and being sober makes these responsibilities all the more acute.

Though, there is a lesson in last night's meeting. The lead talked about how after three years of sobriety she feels like it's gotten harder, her emotions are even less under control. One of the primary things she was feeling was guilt. And as many people responded in the discussion afterwards, there's only so much guilt one can shoulder. Alcoholics do bad things, and what's important is that one is taking steps to heal what created the bad.

I will get through this. I will be able to make it right in the long run. My kids are healthy, they're going to France, and I get to go too.

It's not 1999 anymore

2008-07-14T19:51:00.004-04:00

Sometimes I pause for a minute to realize that my life is absolutely consumed with kids. The parent's life is finally pushing me to be sober, or, at least, it's uncovered the extent of the substance abuse problems that I've carried around all this time, but the nonstop nature of parenting seems to compound the various issues I'm dealing with. I actually thought I was healthy, around about 1999. Newly married, succeeding in graduate school, spending plenty of time in a big city, things seemed to be rolling along pretty well. At the time, I felt like I was a good man in a positive relationship. And for 1999, maybe I was healthy. It turns out that I haven't been doing so well. I don't know if I would have come to this reckoning if we hadn't had the second kid. His advent put all kinds of new pressures on our lives, and highlighted where I was really at with my career, my drinking, my well-being.

My youngest turns two tomorrow and at 43 (gasp!) I've essentially become a house dad, the primary parent of two extremely energetic and adorable boys. This comes with all the baggage that the moms complain about, but it turns out to be an amazing opportunity. There are thousands of posts I could write on this. Most importantly, though, I'm a huge part of my kids' lives. As a rather selfish guy with an alcohol problem I would never have become so present in their lives if I hadn't slipped into this role (unlike my wife, who works full time and still looms large in my boys' lives). In another life, much like the lives of so many men around me in meetings, I'd probably be divorced with kids living in another state trying to overcome my bitterness. Instead, I'm at home fretting about what to make for dinner. Seriously, how weirdly hip is that?

As part of my quick-step meetings, I'm doing a fourth step this week. Sure, I feel resentful about my awkward place in society, but it's a set of circumstances that is allowing me to feel the love and the life that is going to set me free. This really is my destiny. Meanwhile, you should see how hard my two-year-old is working on his conversational skills.

Joy

2008-07-13T10:37:00.003-04:00

Saturday morning's meeting was wonderful. A funny, mostly intelligent gratitude meeting on "joy." I believe these people when they talk about experiencing joy since they stopped drinking. Here's the difference. With alcohol one can usually control the onset of joy (if one drinks to get to some kind of reverie), but alcohol also numbs the realization that joy hasn't been achieved - which is usually the case after long-term use. Sober joy may be more elusive, but it's also more sustaining.

I actually found the day a bit harder after such a good morning meeting. I wanted to go back to that moment of ease in the meeting, rather than face a crying two-year-old and plans to keep the kids engaged. With the evening everything got better. We set out the kiddie pool, yelled at Big Boy for splashing all of us, and bbq'd turkish meatballs (lamb and beef), and stuffed them into pita with cucumbers, grilled veges, yogurt, and hummus. Then we sat outside while a storm rumbled slowly in. Of course, Big Boy stayed inside because he's terrified of the thunder (will this fear pass?), and stayed up watching the Tour de France with us until the wave of storms had passed (sometime after 10).

This morning it's brightly sunny, with low humidity. The spouse goes to work later today. I'd like to take the boys and the dog for a hike, but that might be too ambitious for Little Boy.

The spirit

2008-07-11T22:00:00.002-04:00

I felt really exhausted today. Yesterday, I got to go on a fairly substantial bike ride; today I had to get yard work done that I won't be able to do this weekend. That's the thing about little college towns. There's always a lawn to mow.

I almost didn't go to meet with my sponsor or attend a meeting. It turns out that they were both a culmination of a good week of working the program. I felt a real, unabashed part of the whole thing, belonging in a way I haven't quite experienced before. Today's topic was about getting through 24 hours and how one makes it work. A number of people talked about living in the present. I haven't spoken up in this meeting for a few weeks. When I did tonight I spoke about how drinking was always my way of living in the present, a method for neither worrying about the past or fearing the future. It didn't hurt that I then said that one of the reasons I kept coming back was to learn a practice for living in the present without alcohol. I really believe this. Many people tonight spoke about their spiritual program and I was really convinced that this toolkit for living, practiced by all these weird motherfuckers, is a good answer for what ails me.

Except for this men's meeting, most of the meetings I attend are about 50/50 men/women. There's not too much posturing in any of the meetings (the gun guys are the worst) and because it's an academic town people's comments are often quite thoughtful. I get the sense that the spiritual path is popular around here. I'm feeling grateful about all this.

Another day, another Friday night, and I haven't really thought about having a drink.

Alcooliques Anonymes

2008-07-10T22:50:00.003-04:00

In tonight's meeting the lead talked about his initial resistance to AA and his reluctance to trust his fellow AAers. But he didn't drink that first months he was going to meetings, and after about seven or eight months what he called "the change" took place. He claims that it was not necessarily a spiritual awakening but it did involve prayer. What is important is that his desire to drink faded away. It was exactly what I needed to hear. Last weekend my craving was acute, but this week I really haven't wanted to drink. So, my desire comes and goes, but over the last few days I'm even more convinced that the AA process works.

At the end of next week we're traveling to a small provincial town in France, to visit my father-in-law whose been living there the past few years. I did finally find an AA (Alcooliques Anonymes) meeting in the French town near where we'll be. All in French, of course, but only about 10 km away and they meet three times a week. There are other French-speaking meetings scattered around about 30 minutes away and there's an English-language meeting about an hour away. Now I need to screw up the courage to meet my fellow French alcoholics.

Homemaking

2008-07-09T20:01:00.003-04:00

A snapshot of the last few hours: mopped, picked up Big Boy, swung home for some after-camp milk, picked up Little Boy, cooked dinner (potatoes and steamed veges), downloaded Wanted, emptied the kiddie pools, walked the dog, cleaned up after dinner, folded laundry, read a few stories to the kids, worried that my oldest may have stolen a couple of Pokemon cards from a fellow camper. And this is with a spouse co-parenting with me.

Weird noon meeting. I got hung up transferring Big Boy between camps and got to the meeting late. Meandering 80-year-old lead. I love old timers, but this guy spent too much time beating around in the bushes. Also, saw my other neighbor for the second time. This neighbor has a school age child and we have a bus stop relationship. Very weird to see her now at two meetings. Since I'd never been to the Saturday morning meeting where I first saw her, I'm assuming she has more time in the program and our paths just haven't crossed until this week. I wonder if she saw the cops take me away that fateful night just over 100 days ago. Now, I have two neighbors going to meetings who live within two houses of me. Small world.

Anyway, small impressions from today's meeting. The young woman I've seen floating around (literally) in recent meetings had a black eye today. It's really painful to see. The homily that stuck with me today was on faith and trust: If you see a tight-rope walker about to cross the high wire line pushing a wheelbarrow, it takes faith to believe she will make it to the other side. After all, she's a professional. It takes trust to ride in the wheelbarrow as she pushes it across.

This reminds me of the long conversation I had with my sober brother-in-law today about my upcoming trip overseas. I just need to climb into the wheelbarrow and listen to what I'm told.

Routine

2008-07-08T20:55:00.003-04:00

Today's noon meeting was on the ways that we stay sober. The best answer I heard was from someone who said that they just do what they're told. Seeing people at meetings with ten or twenty years of sobriety, who are happy, serene, and so glad to be sober is convincing. Just do what these people say: go to meetings, pray, stay connected, take care of one's self, be honest, etc. etc. I've been staying sober with routine and activity. I try to go to a meeting every day. And god knows, with two little kids there's always something to do. It's not hard staying busy, and I get the benefit of being a better father.

As I write, at nine p.m., there's a two-year-old behind me repeatedly playing the song of a thomas train caboose, and a six-year-old down the hall trying to milk a little more light out of us in order to keep looking at his books. There's always a constant process of moving toward trying to get something done, like final bedtime. (Parenting is all about the conditional.)

The chair of the meeting was talking about preparing for a trip, which is exactly what I'm worried about. Even at my riskiest this past weekend, (it's nice to know) being close to home and family kept me on track. I love my life, after all, and I love it sober. I need to keep this in mind when we go overseas next week. I need be mindful (is this a sufficient code for prayer?) and keep a daily reading habit in spiritual and 12-step literature.

Status: Jerry Lee Lewis

2008-07-07T20:02:00.002-04:00

I'll say it again, the closer I get to the third step the squirrelier I feel. I've got a holy craving, a Jerry Lee Lewis kind of need. I'm obsessional, fantasizing about powders, pills, and plants - and vodka. I know it's the holy craving, because I'm not thinking about beer or wine, which were actually my (more moderate) drinks of choice. No, I want the big Relief, the high of all highs. And sweet Jesus, I know of a lot of goddamned ways to get there . . .

Yes, more drama. I apologize. Back on earth the craving is a fucked state and I hope it's inversely related to the big release from my desire that is to come. What I mean to say, what I realize now, is that AA is no more than a persistent white-knuckle state unless one experiences the Big Change, the Spiritual Awakening, The Surrender, whatever you want to call it. I think I was creeping up on the Big Change, when I kind of lost my nerve about four or five weeks ago, making it that much harder to let it happen now. Note. To. Self. One of my major character defects is the inability to commit. Sure, I can commit to marriage, the kids, mowing the lawn, some of the usual things. But when it comes to the real core stuff, like deciding what I want to be when I grow up, I'm a chicken. There's unfinished business littering my past.

In any case, if there's going to be one thing I commit myself to in this life, regardless of whether I finish my dissertation or fulfill my career promise or declare myself a communist, it's got to be my commitment to the program. This is dead serious stuff. Really.

Made it to two meetings today, talked a while with my sponsor, and said the third-step prayer a few times. I also screamed at another driver, felt like I was having a panic attack at the evening meeting (the reading was "To the Wives," for christ sake), and frowned so badly at one of my son's teachers that she asked me what was the matter.

I am grateful, though, for another 24 hours.

Balloons aplenty

2008-07-06T09:39:00.004-04:00

The two-year-old birthday part went off with a hitch. We had big and small wading pools and a sandbox. Many balloons were loosed into the sky. The kids with a French mother dutifully stood in the pool for a moment and then quickly got back to being dry and clean.

Both my spouse and I like the Saturday morning meetings, her the al-anon, me a big AA meeting. We'll need to get a neighbor to come over and do childcare for us.

It hasn't been easy being sober this weekend. Working step three feels like it makes things harder, as though I'm opening up the wounds that trigger. Feeling the spirit is going to take some time. Frankly, It got pretty dark and shitty over night. The spouse and I both get confused about our new roles. But we can agree on one thing. It's better having a sober house.

The humidity has faded so we're off to a state park for the day.

Keep coming back

2008-07-02T21:17:00.002-04:00

The lead today, from yet another person with long-time sobriety, centered on the phrase "keep coming back." Really brilliant approach to doing a lead, and it elicited an amazing discussion. Way better than most noon meetings, or most meetings in general. People talked about all the different meanings of "keep coming back," the way it can express reassurance, encouragement, understanding, admiration, and in a nutshell captures the open-ended perseverance that is AA. I mentioned my moment, three months ago, when at the first small meeting I attended everyone said "keep coming back" at the meeting's end. I thought, wow, they're talking straight at me. I will come back! I thought to myself. The next night I realized it's a stock phrase, but it threw that first hook into me. Some people talked about resenting the phrase at first. I continue to feel like it's spoken directly at me, and I love hearing it (almost) every day.

The spouse and I just watched a live version on YouTube of Sinéad O'Connor singing "Troy" - watched it a few times. Of course, the spouse, along with most of the women I've loved over the years, was a fan back then. To me she probably seemed a little too Kate Bush-like (OK, maybe too femme - I was young), but tonight it sent chills down my spine. It's nice to share a few moments of that kind of intensity, and a reminder of what we were and what we still are. Even with Little Boy running around at our feet saying "video, video."

With my bare hands

2008-07-01T21:59:00.002-04:00

Big Boy lost two bottom teeth the last two days. Tonight he lost a third, a front, top tooth. He's been snaggle-toothed for days, with this top tooth sticking out in sick right angles. Even better tonight, I pulled the sucker out. Normally, my philosophy would be not to intervene, but he was so miserable that I convinced him to let me try. Three pulls and out it came, with relief cascading all over him. He fell into bed and I hurried out to change a twenty to get another dollar for the tooth fairy.

Have I mentioned why it's good to sober today?

Promises

2008-07-01T19:30:00.002-04:00

Today's noon meeting topic was on the "promises," which are often read at the end of meetings. For some reason when it came around to my turn, I said, "I sure fucking hope they come true because I'm putting a lot of faith and trust in this program." People generally talk about how we shouldn't expect too much from the promises, or not expect them to come true right away, which is all good and prudent. But, shit, I've got a lot riding on this and I sure as hell want them to come true.

The promises:

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
Self-seeking will slip away.
Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not.
They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.
They will always materialize if we work for them.

I also told everyone how awesome I was for getting to 30 days. And it is awesome, actually.

Pick up a chip?

2008-07-01T08:15:00.003-04:00

Today I have 30 consecutive days of sobriety. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to pick up a chip, though. I already have a 30-day chip from the first time around. I have time to make it to a nooner today, so if nothing else I'll bring up my gratitude for getting another 30 days. I'm trying to look forward to the rest of the week, rather than feeling my usual dread. After last night's uncannily sweet weather, which brought everyone in the neighborhood out to the park, I'm feeling pretty positive.

Step Three

2008-06-30T22:18:00.002-04:00

The quick-step meeting was postponed today, so it was a regular noon meeting. I went in feeling out of sorts and anxious. In the course of the meeting I calmed down and began to feel more centered. The day got progressively better. I was part of a videotaped focus group on local, university-sponsored daycare, my oldest lost his second tooth, and we hung out at the park tonight for almost two hours. All is groovy by now.

I also met afterward with my sponsor. It's pretty clear that I've really taken the first step. Over the last few weeks especially, since my slip at the end of April, I've been listening a lot more closely to the experience of others and what it means to be an alcoholic/addict. There's no doubt in my mind that I'm powerless over chemicals and they've made my life insane. We're still working on steps two and three. My sponsor keeps pushing the prayer and meditation and wants me to memorize and use the third step prayer. Like many things in AA, there is a literalness that comes as almost a relief. I say to my sponsor, "I've been thinking about a higher power and I'm ready to accept that there is a power outside myself that is greater than me." My sponsor says, "no, I think you need to actually pray."

So, the third step prayer: "God, I offer myself to Thee - to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life. May I do Thy will always!"

The language is too biblical for me, but I'm not quibbling at this point. I'm ready for a practice that relieves the bondage of self. And there's a way of approaching this without the taint of religion. As The 12 Steps for Everyone puts it, "The power of God is not controlling; it is sustaining. It is not meddling; it enhances human freedom. It is never used in restraining ways; thus it does not interfere with human beings' free will." My watch words right now are trust, faith, and do no harm.

Focus

2008-06-30T11:06:00.003-04:00

Went to a meeting last night where both the lead and someone celebrating an anniversary had over 25 years of sobriety apiece. I'm not worthy. I chatted for a while afterward with someone also in grad school who had a recent relapse after eight years or so. The take away from all of this: must remain humble. Get too confident or cocky and the temptation comes creeping back in. You can really see it in the long timers. They accept and humble themselves every day. It's a weird way to live, and I had no idea it had to turn into a life style, but I was looking for a spiritual practice. Better the practice that humbles me rather than the one that prods my will to power.

I'm going to a quick-step meeting today, on steps one through three. I'm coming around to accepting the higher power thing, as long as it's a practice - as in, "I practice faith regardless of whether there is an object or being toward which to direct this faith." Some days it feels like there are too many changes taking place, like the strange sensation of talking seriously about faith, but as long as I don't drink it doesn't matter.

My six-year-old lost his first tooth last night and the tooth fairy left him a dollar and a porcelain dragon. I go to some sort of focus group on childcare later today, to provide focus I guess. Everyone is healthy.

Chocolate milkshakes

2008-06-28T22:20:00.007-04:00

A perfect day for being relaxed. Since the spouse goes back to work tomorrow (yes, on a Sunday), we did what we could today to have a lazy day. Went to the mall, hung out in back yard, cleaned out the recycling, went to the neighborhood park, gave the dog his first bath (wow, what a difference), went to a drive-thru burger place for milkshakes. Well, maybe it wasn't so lazy, but it was a great summer day of family groove. A good day not to drink.

I've taken to saying every night to my oldest, "you're a good egg." I have no idea where this phrase comes from, or why I've started to say it, but he always loves hearing it. I've added a last little bit to the bed time routine with just me and him having a few minutes together before lights out. This is time that I wouldn't have been available for in the same way before being sober. It seems like it's important time, even if it's only a couple of minutes. The dog has taken to sleeping the first part of the night at the foot of his bed (what a good dog, right?), and tonight finally the dog didn't smell like he'd been rolling in a dead carcass.

I felt really normal today. Like I could talk to anybody, deal with any situation. Be a stand up dad and husband. It's easier, of course, to have these days on the weekend. But I am grateful to be comfortable being a family man, even if I will be happier when the youngest moves out of the terrible twos. The six-year-old is just so much easier in the incremental moments of the day.

Superpower: addiction

2008-06-28T08:40:00.003-04:00

Met with my sponsor and went to a men's meeting yesterday. It was a step meeting. With each step meeting I learn a little bit more about this rather mysterious process. I felt humbled and in awe of all these men and their years of sobriety. The practice and the discipline and the attention to a spiritual life in each of them is awesome. There is just no way that I can belittle or mock this awesomeness. As I'm tempted and bent by my ongoing desire to use I really see how far these men have come. I think I've got a good handle on the first step now. I'm a totally compulsive, sick user, who if given the right opportunity would ultimately use anything to fuck with my brain. I'm even dazzled by the potential to use. (I can't stop thinking about the boutique shooting gallery in "Before the Devil Knows You're Dead"; getting high in a clinically safe but utterly ego-destroying way is the ultimate in my sick user's mind.) I realize this is a bit dramatic, but my drive to use is a huge, distorted superpower, and if I am ever released from it it will be something of a miracle. Which leads me to steps two and three. I think about this Higher Power thing a lot. And about turning my will over to it. But I don't really know how. And each time I think I might have gotten a higher power involved I don't feel a spiritual release from my compulsion.

But these are all panicy thoughts. The truth is, I'm sober today. And every day that I keep going to meetings and doing some reading is one step closer to getting to the place that I admire so much in other people. They've overcome this compulsion to self-destruct and do evil; certainly, with practice, so can I.

Learning to pause

2008-06-27T07:54:00.002-04:00

Turns out the spouse did need to work late again. My best laid plans to have a dinner ready and get out to a meeting were dashed. It's not the spouse's fault, except for some small communication issues. But you would have thought that both my dog had died and I'd just been told that I was going to lose a foot to the disease of fucked-upness and the world's indifference. I was not a happy camper this last night. So much despair and anger still to process. I didn't drink, but I don't feel especially successful.

We did make it an earlier night, so everyone got a good night sleep. The little boy's temperature is finally normal this morning, so the plan is to take him into preschool for the first time this week. Both kids are healthy, sort of happy, and enjoying being outside in the warm summer weather.

Sincerity

2008-06-25T20:21:00.003-04:00

I heard a funny, smart lead today from someone with long-term sobriety. Once again, I'm glad to be part of the club. It's fascinating to see the ways in which the many paradoxes of AA are expressed. I heard the lead today talk about how AA can seem so corny in its sincerity and yet she fully embraces that sincerity as though her life depended on it. What struck me most was her discussion of praying with her sponsees, how it's both awkward and enlightening. I don't feel the spirit in this way. Indeed, I wonder if I ever will.

With the little one sick yet again today it's hard to feel spiritual about anything. Mostly, I've been dragging myself through each day. You know things are hard when your sick two-year-old is waking you up as you drift off. We did have a few fun moments. I was playing around with saying "O-tay" in place of "Okay." He's talking enough now to hear this as language misuse, and I could get him to laugh every time I said O-tay. Of course, there's nothing like repetition when you're two years old. Then after we'd picked up big boy, I song some songs with O-tay as the main lyric. Goosed some more laughter out of them. Little boy wasn't quite as hot today, so maybe the virus is starting to fade a bit. Also today I made dinner, walked the dog, and got big boy to a haircut. This is also the last night this week the spouse works late, so the grind eases a bit for the rest of the week. I may try to go to a different meeting tomorrow night.

Feverish boy

2008-06-24T21:08:00.002-04:00

I made it to a meeting tonight, but it wasn't a great experience. Usually I can relax and find some serenity in a meeting, even if I show up feeling amped up. Tonight I was just too overwhelmed and anxious. The last couple of days have been grueling and today was even harder. There's almost nothing worse than holding a hot, feverish, shivering little human. The little boy was even sicker today, and all afternoon he was scary hot and crying for his mommy. Frays my nerves, yes indeed it does. I was glad to get back home, kiss my kids, and take the dog for a walk.

That isn't to say that the meeting was unproductive. The topic was patience, and gods knows I'm being challenged right now. The best thing about tonight's meeting was the dark humor, the sense, for example, that even when trying to find patience all one receives are more challenges to patience. I'm grateful that the spouse is a trooper and such a good mother. And that my kids are weathering the storm.

One weird thing about the meeting was their practice of turning out the lights. I think the rationale is for people to find more spirituality. I found myself feeling more disconnected, which, if I'm honest, is actually something of a trigger for me. The phenomenon of being surrounded by people but far, far away is worse than actually being alone. It's what used to be so hard about riding the subway or commuting in rush hour traffic, both of which always reduced me to psychosis within a year or two. I'm grateful I don't need to do either right now.

Spiritual practice

2008-06-23T23:33:00.000-04:00

I was home with my feverish two-year-old most of the day. Challenging practice in selflessness. I'm tired, tired tonight.

The spouse did cover for me while I went to Monday's quick-step meeting, which covered steps ten through twelve. Again, I'm amazed by the emphasis on spirituality in the program. It's reassuring that the co-chair of the meeting is an atheist, and yet he too practices the spirituality. All of this is standard AA stuff, but it's sure fricking new to me.

Stuff to put into practice:

Developing an awareness of a power greater than myself.

Focusing on non-self (or God's) will rather than self-will.

Paying attention to intuition.

Watching for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear.

Seeking to love and be tolerant.

Meditating (or praying) each day.

Not too reflective

2008-06-22T22:20:00.000-04:00

Today wasn't as productive as I had hoped. I did nap this afternoon, which is probably good at this point. I should have gone out with the rest of the family when they went on a late afternoon sortie. Staying cooped up at home always makes things darker, especially when I'm not getting done what I had intended.

Tonight's meeting was OK. Far fewer people were there than usual, and, like it is sometimes, many people seemed to be there because that's what they do on Sunday night. Ironically, the meeting topic was "why do I continue to go to meetings?" The best answer was something along the lines of "I go because it seems to work and I'm not going to think about it too much beyond that." This is a variation on "the program works, but it's not entirely clear why." It's working so far for me, so this makes sense. I was surprised by how many people were conflicted about attending meetings or who were conflicted in the past about them. It's what we're supposed to do, right? If I think about it, in this "best" answer there might have been kernel of a critique of the topic. It does seem a bit too solipsistic to be at a meeting and then wonder why you're there. People talk all the time about why they go to meetings, and usually it's because it helps them stay sober. Oddly, not many people talked about staying sober tonight, which may be indicative of the topic's weakness.

I suppose it bears repeating. I was there because it's what is supposed to work. But I was also there because I actually like this Sunday night group. It's usually calm and reflective at the meeting and I gain a lot of insight from the comments I generally hear. I'm certainly grateful that people do feel that being a part of the Sunday night group is what they do on Sunday nights. Without that there wouldn't be much to the program.

Coffee & Juice

2008-06-21T21:28:00.000-04:00

Friends came over tonight for fresh veggy dinner and yard fun. We offered them coffee and juice. Normally, I would be drinking with them, and drinking just enough more not to be too obvious. I'm grateful that everyone seemed to have a good time, even though we didn't offer them wine and beer. Everyone has kids and (I think) I've been the only one who would really miss it. And, to be honest, in these social situations it just feels right not to be drinking. The hard part, actually, is not drinking afterward, when I have time to spend a few moments alone, when I'm tired and worn out from a hectic day (did I mention the two kids?). It's times like these when doing the right thing is also doing the best thing. I'm grateful to be sober.

I'm also grateful that I was able (and willing) to make room for my wife today to go to al-anon. I'm grateful to be with someone who is willing to jump into this new paradigm.

One of us

2008-06-20T20:08:00.004-04:00

I went to two amazing meetings today, and met with my sponsor. A big AA day. The noon meeting began with high drama when someone was asked to leave. It's a closed meeting and (I wasn't there for the exchange) this individual apparently argued about needing to admit to a desire to stop drinking. Look, if you don't pick a fight with people in a meeting they're going to let you stay. It didn't help that he appeared to be a richy rich frat boy. In any case, there was some soul searching during the meeting about the parameters of AA and the significance of its identity. For someone with just over two months of going to meetings (and 20 days of sobriety), it was a great experience to hear people think out loud about what AA means to them.

The evening meeting (a men's meeting) was equally powerful for me. The topic was care of the self and god's will - essentially, what do I do with myself and how do I stay healthy. My sponsor actually brought up the topic and it was based, I'm happy to say, on our conversation earlier in the day. Again, I'm just amazed at how articulate these men can be. This topic really brought out the best in them. For some reason today I was impressed by how many people in AA are rebels, real "fuck the world" types. And yet, I think, here they are willing to be with others and to share their experience, and even to accept a power higher than themselves. AA people always talk about how alcoholics share an identity and a way of thinking, and I've been resistant to this view. True, my alcoholism was always about my "difference" from those around me, either as a reason to drink or a result of drinking (or drugging, of course), but it's hard to let go of the idea that I really am "different." Different, maybe, but a difference shared by these AA people. In various ways I heard these men talk about living what's true rather than the lie, which for many of them is personified by a success-oriented, materialist, and corporate world. Yes, I could yell, fist pumping in the air, I'm there. These restless, ornery people are my people.

Safe place

2008-06-19T19:18:00.002-04:00

In tonight's meeting, a woman in her sixties with just over a year in sobriety gave the lead. It was good to hear her story. She's usually very quiet, but I see her almost every meeting that I attend. The program has really changed her life for the better, even though she's dealing with an ongoing situation that I'm thankful hasn't touched my life. The discussion focused on how AA is a safe place. That one's life can be a wreck and one can find peace and understanding in AA meetings. But it was interesting when someone toward the end felt safe enough to say that he wasn't able to get through detoxing - that he kept drinking, in other words. It was safe for him to say this, but people seem to me to act pretty guarded in such a situation. Their response got me thinking. People come looking for a magic bullet, as though attending a meeting is going take away their troubles. It really takes lots of work, like not using, asking people for help, and going to meetings. I'm sure someone would be willing to hang out with this guy if he was trying not to drink, but they also expect him to show up the next day. This process is very comforting on this side of getting sober, but I felt for the guy. I've had some really bad days myself.

I had more energy today. I did some urgent cleaning in the house, got a haircut, and made the kids some veggy lasagna for dinner. Sober dog also went to doggy daycare for his weekly socializing. I met everyone at the park after my meeting. It's another long summer evening and I'm feeling pretty good.

There's seems to be a phenomenon around here in which people leave one meeting early in order to get to the next on time. It was really apparent tonight as folk streamed out the door about a quarter of. I want to say, be still, compulsives, be still.

Glandular fever

2008-06-18T14:32:00.005-04:00

I've been floored with the mono thing. Tired, tired and spacey. Missed a relatively important professional meeting yesterday. Haven't been attending AA meetings either. I don't want to experience what happened on Monday, when I spent a whole noon meeting literally looking down at my body. I thought I'd given all this kind of shit up - the feeling bad, the out-of-body anxiety, the foggy head.

In any case, I also saw a naturopath yesterday, who at least had more to suggest than my physician. Physician: "some people have to go on disability"; "some people use stimulants." What do you think? Is adderall the right solution? Geezus. The naturopath suggested some immune boost supplements, some of which I would probably never take unless I was desperate. He also kind of reassured me that it's OK to be ill - even if it is fucked up.

If one runs a google news search on mononucleosis the vast majority of hits are about athletes getting sidelined (for whole seasons!) by glandular fever, as the brits call it. Apparently the tennis star Roger Federer has recently been struggling with it. Somehow this legitimizes what I'm feeling. I'm a little worried that I tested positive for acute mono last year as well, but all I can do now is work on getting better, being calm, and getting rest. I didn't really do anything of these things last year.

I mentioned to the spouse that I wish I could drink to take the aches away. She thinks this is crazy. And it is. It probably didn't help that I tried to cover them up last year with drinking. Who knows, maybe I've had some kind of chronic thing that I wasn't even aware of until becoming sober.

Quick steps

2008-06-16T18:07:00.003-04:00

My sponsor thinks it's OK that I've been doing some reading about AA spirituality and some other related literature, but he really wants me to be focused on meditation. Taking small bits and prayers out of the big book and spending time contemplating it. I can't tell you how unnatural this is for me. I'm always looking toward the next thing. I have very little patience. Even when I'm wasting time it's in distracted, miserable ways. I can't even savor distraction.

I went to a quick step meeting today, which moved through steps five through ten in one hour. It was weird, especially in my state of inattention, but also a good primer on these steps. It gave me a broad shot of the goals of AA spirituality, especially serenity and love. It reinforced what a mess I'm in. I'm ready to give anything a chance if it will help me relieve my fatigue and anxiety.

Higher power of love

2008-06-14T18:34:00.003-04:00

On the eve of father's day, I have to acknowledge how grateful I am for healthy, interesting kids and a dynamic, brilliant wife. The spouse even suggested in an offhand way the other day that her higher power is probably love. I am so grateful. She's also been going to al-anon for the very first time in her life.

On the day-to-day front, I'm still battling fatigue. I'm going to someone next week about taking supplements, like herbs or B vitamins to try to help heal what seems to be persistent mono. Coffee just hasn't been working well enough.

I had a particularly bad day yesterday. Fatigue, depression, anxiety. These all seemed like good excuses to use again, in self-damaging and desperate ways. So I'm glad the day ended with hanging out with my sponsor for about an hour. Yesterday's men's meeting was also good, save for a weird conversation I had with someone afterward. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm speaking the same language as long-termers. In any case, the meeting's topic was continuing sobriety, why people continue going to meetings, what sobriety means after the urge to drink has faded. I'm becoming more and more taken with the program as a long-term spiritual practice. Frankly, I'm really ready for a spiritual practice. It doesn't matter that I can't control the human units that make up the fellowship, nor whether god has some kind of form. Just taking some moments in a day toward a spiritual practice will be enough.

Basic prayer

2008-06-13T11:23:00.001-04:00

My prayer today is a primitive one, one that expressed my state of being at fourteen as much as it does today.

Great Spirit, take my pain away.

Update: Let's try this again. Help me deal with and transform my pain.

Unmanageable; or, a lesson in arrogance

2008-06-12T21:17:00.003-04:00

My meeting tonight wasn't supposed to be a first step meeting, but I'm glad it turned into one. Honestly, I'm a tough case. I still keep trying to think my way out of being powerless or accepting that my drinking and using life was unmanageable. Unfortunately, I shared these thoughts out loud tonight.

At least I finally acknowledged my slip to this group, who have been important since my first week. One other person, late in the meeting, spoke of recently having a slip just like mine. What really stood out:

1) One person spoke about how they never felt like things were unmanageable because they eliminated everything that might hold them accountable. Jobs, friends, you know. Check.

2) Another talked about how she thought that drinking signified that she was "complex," someone who felt and thought more deeply than others. Check.

3) Yet someone else felt that drinking put her in touch with her spirituality. It brought her closer to "oneness." Check. I can so relate to this.

In fact, I'm dreadfully missing this sense of oneness, and feeling restless and at loose ends. Yet, it is so utterly clear that I'm an addict and alcoholic. My first thought when these feelings arise is to use. I have to stay very afraid of these thoughts. I heard someone recently say that they relapsed on mouthwash; I laughed along with everyone else, but it doesn't seem so funny today.

It really was a great meeting tonight. I really respect and like some of these people. But I need to try harder not to be such an arrogant (and worse, an accidental) prick. The next time I speak I need to talk about my police-car ride in handcuffs and how bloody unmanageable it was.

Polenta

2008-06-11T23:38:00.003-04:00

With my wife working late, I made a polenta casserole and fed the kids as soon as they were home. For Big Boy, this meant about 4:30. Little Boy wasn't much interested in eating a half hour later, but he did drink both some juice and milk. We all walked the dog over to the park right before bedtime. It's temperate and dry enough to have all the windows open tonight.

Other things I did today:
Drank too much soda.
Helped my neighbor get his car started.
Went to a noon meeting.

Through their leads I'm getting to know lots about the people I see in meetings all the time. Today's was pretty abstract, but with 22 years of sobriety I can see how it dulls over time. I rather enjoy, though, some of the weird stuff people say off the top of their heads (especially when we're going around the room of small meeting). Every day there's a different dynamic, and whether I'm twitching with anxiety or gathering serenity toward me I feel rather lucky to be there. One 30-something, educated guy always talks about how he's a bad, bad guy when he's drunk. Often I obsess about my age and missed opportunities, as I shared today. It's hard, though, when speaking not to end on an upbeat note. So, according to my meeting self today, "I'm looking forward to the future" (even 20 years down the road) and "I'm grateful to be sober."

Being bent soberly

2008-06-10T21:12:00.005-04:00

Since I was a kid I've been beset by a desire to be "normal." I wanted a normal family. I wanted normal parents. I don't know what a normal family is, but something in me always felt like I needed more normal. Maybe there's something to it. Certainly, there were addiction problems in my family while I was growing up and lots of free-floating emotion.

But what's telling about this is that I'm still trying to think of myself as normal. If I look objectively at myself, I see a long-term druggee and alcoholic and someone who's never been able to finish anything or stick with a career. It took me years to actually finish my BA; I'm now in limbo on finishing my dissertation. I could have been a carpenter, a nurse, an insurance adjustor, a lawyer, an editor, a professor. I never been able to commit to any of them. Currently, I'm not much more than a stay-at-home dad. And yet, I'm still trying to claim that I'm just a normal guy (or, at least, an undamaged guy).

This damaged thing is what makes me so uneasy about AA. I look around and think, look at all these damaged people, trying to piece their lives back together again. And I am completely afraid to look at myself and think, what a damaged person you are. I'm not like them, I want to yell. But there's obviously something bent in me and there has been for a long time. I've long sought to align myself with those who may have been damaged but who were made more hip or creative for it, but it's mostly been an excuse to use. (How long can I secretly keep thinking how cool it was to drop so much acid?) What's different about AA is that they are people who acknowledge that they are damaged (that their lives are unmanageable, etc. etc.) and who sincerely seek to find a path that works better. I don't seem worthy of such sincerity.

On a related note, I've become fascinated by popular musicians who stayed sober or at least away from the excesses of self-destruction. No more Sid (and Nancy) for me.

It's a kid thing

2008-06-09T22:30:00.002-04:00

Didn't make it to a meeting today. My wife is working long hours and now that summer is here the kids aren't seamlessly in the care of others all day. Was ferrying my son between camps during the noon meeting and had both kids during the six o'clock. I'm sorry to have missed the noon meeting. They've been running a 12-step meeting each Monday that my sponsor had encouraged me to attend. It doesn't help that my two-year-old is going through a real stage: tantrums, saying "no" to everything. He's a bit of a terror right now. And he misses his mom, who will be working late all week. Given the emerging tranquility of the six-year-old I'm looking forward to the years to come.

I'm grateful to be sober, which makes the parenting thing a little bit easier. This isn't to say that I'm not feeling discomfort about my current parenting role. On days like this my dissertation recedes even further into the background. On days like this I still don't make the best use of my time. Mostly, though, I'm grateful for my kids giving my life so much meaning.

Moody and tired

2008-06-08T22:25:00.002-04:00

I know I'm experiencing different forms of tiredness because I bought my first coffee maker this weekend. Years ago I dripped a cup at a time; more recently I've made expresso or gone without caffeine. In the past, one expresso would send me flying. Now, I'm barely moving with two cups of coffee. I didn't expect to feel so sluggish, but I should also note that I'm not losing my energy so quickly as the day progresses.

I've also been more aware of swift changes in mood and emotion. I've always had a short temper, but I've mostly managed it with deep wells of resentment. My emotions tend to have higher peaks and valleys right now, but I'm hoping that I've become a little better at keeping track of them.

All weekend I've been thinking about compassion. I think of myself as an empathic person; the same person who loved being a nurse's aid years ago. But like many alcoholics I'm mostly selfish and self-obsessed. I need to think more thoroughly of others. I realize that I don't do much social mingling after meetings because I'm just not thinking much about others. This translates to my parenting as well. When my son burst into tears tonight at the playground when I told him to cool it on climbing "up" the slide, I should have given him a hug. Instead, all I could think about was how his tears contribute to my own discomfort.

Sober dog

2008-06-08T08:02:00.003-04:00

In so many ways, sober dog has turned out to be the right dog at the right time, in uncanny ways. He marks some changes taking place. For so long my approach to caring for my kids (and especially the cats) has been one of endurance. Can I survive yet another few hours keeping my kids from melting down? Or can I keep it together enough not to inflict long-term trauma? My approach to these responsibilities has slowly been changing. When my littlest crawled onto my lap while I was reading last night I was actually glad to be able to spend some time making him happy.

The dog perfectly symbolizes these changes. He expresses my best self (or the self I want to be). He's patient, adoring, playful, a bit mischievous, very, very social, but above all in his doggy way he just seems to love. This isn't to say he couldn't love another family, but he lives from day to day simply wanting to be loved and love us. I'm surprised we lucked upon a shelter dog who has such qualities. If there's a higher power working in my sobriety this would be an instance of its effect. That day when we took him we weren't expecting to adopt a dog. We were casually looking, mostly to spend a few minutes with various dogs. Somehow his spirit seemed right.

All this isn't to say that I'm actually happy being sober. It's a bitch, to be sure. I miss the big reward at the end of the day. But there were a few moments yesterday when I was so grateful to be sober. I did a late errand last night and it felt so good to have full grasp of my faculties. Nor did I resent being out and about; I savored the hot, still night. I'm also grateful that I could gladly spend time with my youngest last night, without resenting the intrusion on my dark meditations.

Sober for today . . .

2008-06-07T01:02:00.003-04:00

And up late. We've had hours of thunderstorms and it's hard to sleep. I had a weird, dissociative day. Then I couldn't really get my mind to settle down while meeting with my sponsor. I've had some of the right kinds of insight today, but perhaps I'm just too focused on this whole process or perhaps (and this is just an intuition) my sponsor needed something different himself this evening. During tonight's meeting, I did think about how essential the program is for these men, how much they work on trying to be better people. Not just non-drinking people, but better.

For myself, I'm thinking that I'm not really comfortable with intimate relationships. More to the point, I'm not comfortable making friends with fellow alcoholics. My relationship with my wife seems great, but it may give me a false sense of my own abilities. My mother is terrified that my wife will end up leaving me someday; though, her fear probably says more about my wife's abilities than any lack of my own.

The lesson for today, not for the first time (nor the last), is the absolute necessity of trust. It's a test, though, to sit in a room full of alcoholics; it's like sitting in a room full of shitty-ass, unpredictable dads. Yet they are like me, both fucked up and worth loving.

Take two

2008-06-05T18:10:00.001-04:00

My new sobriety date is June 1. In a noon meeting I gave my little spiel about what happened over the weekend. I also talked to my sponsor for a good while. What I realize is that as much as I might want to be (or even think that I can be) a normal, social drinker, I want what AA has to offer more. It's not enough to have control over alcohol. I could probably go awhile before my drinking became pathological again (a month, maybe more). But there's so much that needs healing, including my obsessional behavior and my anger. I read a good part of Annie Lamont's Traveling Mercies last night. I've been just as unhappy and just as much in need of spirituality. Thinking about being away from the program and what I've learned so far made me miserable over the last couple of days. Today's topic was on humility. I can't be so proud about what I've accomplished; I need, instead, simply to be thankful that they'll keep having me back.

Day Sixty-Nine Dry drunk

2008-06-04T22:43:00.002-04:00

I'm a mess. I'm overwhelmed with anger and confusion. My wobbly behavior over the weekend, my desire to have it both ways, has jeopardized all of my work over the last couple of months. I hate being this person. My sponsor wants me to bring it up in the next few meetings, which I'm loathe to do. I just don't have the energy, nor the presence of mind, to be explicit about my thought processes: the program is nice and all, but I've been thinking about going back to being a "normal" drinker. My wife and I argued all evening, I drank far more coffee today than normal, I feel like utter shit. Perhaps this is what people mean by being a dry drunk.

Day Sixty-Eight Stumbling toward honesty

2008-06-03T22:33:00.004-04:00

I did not make it to a meeting today. Regardless of the cause of my fatigue, I spent the day completely flat-out tired. The trip was grueling; fun, at times, but grueling. Now I'm struggling to get back into shape.

I spoke with my sponsor on Sunday. Here's what I had to tell him. During the family evening events, with wine flowing and fine food coming, I sipped a little wine. I know, I know. But the part of me that wants to be a normal drinker, someone able to sip a little, overcame this new part of me that is abstaining. I'm happy to say, though, that after a couple of sips I pushed the wine away. Saturday night's party didn't go quite as well. After drinking soda most of the night I sipped a little of my wife's wine. I ended up having about a glass of wine. Unfortunately, as I exclaimed to my sponsor, it didn't do anything for me. Nothing. I thought, surely I'll get a little buzz. Nope.

In any case, what does it mean? Being honest with my sponsor was the first step. Going to a meeting the next morning was the second step. Third, I've been back two days and haven't touched anything. I'm not planning on touching anything. I've got too much at stake. I don't want to drink. So, I don't think a little slip means that much. I learned two things over the weekend. Even if I sipped a little bit, by and large I can say no. Secondly, after the full glass on Saturday I did feel powerless. If I hadn't been in an environment of restraint I would have kept on drinking. If there had been alcohol back at our room, I would have drank it all. I felt the seeking urge coming on and it is not something I want to mess with. I don't want to screw up what I've accomplished so far.

Does this mean I should change my sobriety date? I just don't know. What I do know is that I'm sober today. And that I've been honest.